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In a blink of an eye, your babe-in-arms is growing up. The dress bought online has arrived, they have the fake tan, and your 14-year-old stands before you expectantly awaiting your answer: “Well, can I go to the disco?”
Forewarned is forearmed and some forethought doesn’t go amiss either when faced with this question. Slipping into the traditional parent role of a flat refusal can be the knee-jerk reaction. This is especially likely if you’ve ever driven through your local town at 8pm on a Friday night and seen the scores of teenagers being dropped off by the carload in the freezing cold - not a coat in sight!
So how do we as parents successfully navigate the minefield that is the teenage disco?
Rest assured you’re not alone. Anjelica Foley, the 19-year-old Welfare Officer for the Irish Second-Level Students’ Union says, “Many parents may be unsure or hesitant to allow their child to attend a disco. It’s important for parents to talk to their children and understand the reasons their child wants to attend the disco - often it’s the sense of growing up and independence.”
In return, Anjelica advises parents to explain their own reasons why they are tentative about letting their teen go. Ultimately it is the parents’ decision to make and it will be the parents’ credit card that is buying the ticket.
“Teenagers mature at different levels and there is no right age to start going to discos,” Anjelica adds. “Some don’t attend at all.”
It’s worthwhile checking that it’s your teen’s choice to go, and not just because they feel pressured by their classmates.
“It can be an equal amount exciting and stressful for children and parents alike,” Anjelica says, so finding out as much as possible beforehand is a good idea to help calm the qualms.
Do your research
It’s worth researching the venue, checking out their website or social media and talking to parents of older children who have attended the disco to make sure it is well-run. Talk to your teen’s friends’ parents too. The chances are they are feeling equally unnerved.
Anjelica advises talking to your teen about alcohol and smoking, and about peer pressure and appropriate behaviour. “It’s very important to talk to both boys and girls about relationships, consent and boundaries as we are aware that non-consensual kissing and groping is a common issue at teenage discos,” she says.
‘Making the ‘Big Talk’ many small talks’, a booklet downloadable on www.sexualwellbeing.ie is specifically aimed at supporting these types of conversations between parents and their children.
Another consideration is making sure that your child is going with trustworthy friends who will look out for each other. Impress on your teen (and friends if you are giving them a lift) that they should stick together all the time, trips to the loo, everything. They should have a Three Musketeers mentality: “One for all and all for one.”
When you drop your child and friends to the venue, arrange a fixed collection time and location. Make sure your child’s phone is charged and has credit. Wait to see they actually get in, as sometimes there can be problems with tickets and you want to be nearby if there is an issue.
“Don’t turn up without a ticket and also be wary of buying a ticket off other people because it’s easy to take a screen shot and sell that same ticket multiple times,” says Trina Clough, Entertainment Manager from Hayes Hotel, Thurles, which holds teenage discos.
At the entrance, they may be breathalised. If a teen fails the breathaliser or refuses to take the test, they will not be allowed in. Male and female security staff will also carry out body searches to ensure no alcohol, cigarettes, illegal substances or anything that could be considered a weapon or danger to others is brought into the venue.
Trina adds, “We have extra staff and security and once the teens come in to the disco they’re not allowed to go past the gates before 11pm until their parent or guardian collects them. We don’t tolerate smoking, alcohol or substance abuse, fighting or causing a danger to themselves or others.”
Talk it through
Once you know they are in, it’s advisable to not go too far from the venue, especially for their first disco. Meeting up with a friend for a coffee (with an eye on your phone) is a great idea. The excitement of the build-up, the wait in the cold and then the heat and packed venue can overcome teenagers and they can feel faint or it can all become too much. Have a chat with them beforehand so they know if they want to come out early, they can ring you and you’ll come and collect them.
Teen discos may be exhilarating or overwhelming. Whichever is the case, set aside time to talk through anything your teen might want to discuss so they know you are there to talk to and listen whenever they need you.
As Anjelica says, “Teenage discos can be an important rite of passage for many young teens.”
Although not for everyone, be prepared for them to be an all-consuming part of your teen’s life and your own for a time.
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