Dear Miriam,

With so many good-natured people in our country – people who raise funds for local charities, volunteer around the country for local agricultural shows etc – it makes one wonder why a few people are so toxic.

One example is my sister-in-law who has a house full of kids but continues to take comfort in the desperation of my wife trying to conceive for two years. My wife is good natured and doesn’t like confrontation, but it upsets her to hear those smart comments. For example, her sister says: “Are you not man enough to give her a child or do you not have it in ya?” One time she said: “I might as well send my buck down to ya.” Very degrading and insulting, just to make us feel like dirt.

What do you do with people like that? And secondly, is IVF our only option? It doesn’t help being under stress and trying to conceive at the same time. Looking forward to hearing your advice,

Want-to-be parents

Dear Want-to-be parents,

To be honest, I am rather taken aback by your sister-in-law’s comments. I know some people can be thoughtless at times and not realise the impact of their words, but I find it hard to fathom how somebody could be so insensitive, especially when you are both under enough stress as it is.

You’d have to wonder where her negativity is really coming from, eg has she harboured jealously towards your wife in the past and is this a way of getting “one up” on her? Of course, I don’t know enough about her character or her motivation to determine that, but I do know that her comments are completely inappropriate and that you should not have to put up with them.

So, how do you handle somebody like this – especially when they are a close family member? I suppose it goes back to the old adage that you cannot change another person – but you can change how you react to them.

I know your wife does not like confrontation, but family planning is a private matter and there is nothing wrong with firmly asserting that. One way is simply not to entertain any discussion at all on the matter with your sister-in-law – shut down any conversation before it starts with a simple: “We would rather keep our business private, thank you.” Then change the subject.

You could also “protect” yourselves by limiting your time with her over the next while. Your sister-in-law might be family but that does not mean you have to hang like a punch bag waiting to be hit by the next sly dig. If she persists, however, I think you should state calmly and clearly that you find her comments unhelpful and hurtful and you will find it hard to spend time together if it continues. Really, it comes down to deciding what is acceptable behaviour and what is not and deciding where you draw the line.

As for your query regarding IVF, I’m not a doctor but I know there are various avenues that can be explored first. For example, studying your wife’s cycle to determine the best time to conceive, undergoing tests to identify any underlying issues, making lifestyle changes that can help boost your chances, treatments such as ovulation induction or IUI etc.

Make an appointment with your GP, explain that you have been trying for two years, and let him/her direct you from there. Lots of Irish couples struggle with fertility, but there are many success stories too, so seek professional help as soon as possible to put you on the right path.

Also, as stressful as the whole situation is, try to spend as much quality time with your wife as you can, have fun together and take care of each other. I wish you both the best of luck.

A reader writes

Dear Miriam,

On reading the letter from “Cork Writer” re confidence, may I suggest she seek out a Toastmasters club to help her with speaking in public? As a result, her confidence will improve. I joined a club two years ago and I think it’s just what she needs. The atmosphere in my club and in other clubs that I visited is that of a self-help group. Suggest that she attends at least on three occasions to get a good understanding of how it works.

Thank you, Margaret, Meath. CL