1. You hear people complaining about Christmas stock in shops – “Ah sher, it isn’t even Halloween yet.” Frankly, it is way too early and it’s getting earlier every single year. Not on.

2. Mammy or Daddy buy said Christmas stock – despite the complaints, how could you pass up the bargain of five cards for €2? Besides, all the good ones will be taken closer to the time if you don’t act now.

3. The cows go in – the cows are starting to huddle up by the ditches and you know it’s time to bring them inside for the season of silage and cleaning.

4. The Late Late Toy Show – no matter how old you are, you will make time to get your snacks and sit down for the annual show. It is bound to be full of laughter, magic and prizes for the audience (that you are not at all bitter about).

5. The turkey is ordered – you head to your trusted local butcher and make sure your order for the turkey is in nice and early. You won’t be caught being late again this year.

6. The Christmas cake is being cooked – every decent Irish mammy knows to cook the cake well in advance if it’s to be any way good.

7. Daddy starts gathering a Christmas food collection – he’s like a squirrel about to go into hibernation. Every week something is thrown into the trolley to the utter dismay of your mother. Daddy thinks it’s wise to do it bit by bit but in actual fact you end up with a mountain of madeira cake and fruit loaf come 25 December.

8. Neighbour decoration rivalry – whoever is the first to don their Christmas lights will be the talk of the village and many questions will be asked. Who are these people at all? Have they even thought about the electricity bill? Would they not be sick of them by time January comes at all? What happened to putting them up on 8 December?

9. The annual pilgrimage – it’s 8 December. You throw on your Sunday best and head off for your local town or the big shmoke to buy all that’s needed for Christmas but not before Mammy has a chat with half the village first. “Isn’t it crazy how busy it is? I barely got a space at all, and I’d say half of ’em are only looking.”

10. Christmas cards – it matters. Who gets a Christmas card or not depends on so many factors. I mean, did they even send one last year? Don’t even start me on the panic that ensues when you have not sent someone one but they send you one last-minute. How dare they!

11. Daddy comes home with a random decoration – as far as you were concerned, Daddy was going down for the paper and some bread. Lo and behold he arrives back with a light-up Santa of some sort because, sher, John was selling him for a bargain price and: “Isn’t he only lovely?”

12. The young wan comes home with Spraoi – and cue the nostalgia. You nearly rip the hand off the child who comes home with it so you can have a go at the crossword and have a laugh at the jokes.

13. Daddy moaning about a cow yet to calf – there’s always that one cow due a week before Christmas. Your father thinks he’s timed it to perfection but she is only late. Known the luck of the house, she’ll start springing on Christmas Eve right before mass.