Dear Miriam,

You know when you get married, it’s a dream come true. You’ve found the man of your dreams, happily dated for years, no rush decisions on both sides. The future looks bright sat in front of all your family and friends.

Yet here I am in my 30s, married to a farmer in his 30s, with the horrifying realisation that he still thinks we are in the 1950s. Where the woman takes care of the man and children in all circumstances – the dutiful wife. Where all decisions are none of your concern. Where your identity is wiped away. Where the farm affairs are the business of him and “his family”. Where his family are right no matter what, faultless – clearly blood is thicker than water. Where you live under peering eyes that you never noticed before the big move to “the family farm”. Where loneliness seems suddenly endless when love has manifested into resentment for failed promises and/or expectations.

This is certainly not what dreams are made of. Oh to be so naive.

Dutiful farmer’s wife living in a fish bowl

Dear Dutiful farmer’s wife,

Thank you for getting in touch. I’m sure that if you are a regular reader of this column, you have seen letters like this from women who have lived in situations similar to what you describe for 10, 20, 30 or 40 plus years. Often these letters are filled with a sense of hopelessness and regret that it is too late to change anything. While you are at a much earlier stage in your journey, I feel the same sense of despair from your letter. You beat yourself up for being “naive” to expect a caring, equal and respectful relationship; but that is no less than what anybody is entitled to, whether they are in their 30s or married 30 years.

I don’t know what changed in the man you married. I don’t know how much sway his family has over him. I don’t know why he sees you as just the “dutiful wife”, rather than his partner, friend, mother of his children and wonderful woman in your own right. Yet I do know that this is not the 1950s, but that unless you start to recognise your self-worth again and assert your power, nothing is likely to change anytime soon.

I know that’s easy for me to say. I can only imagine how difficult it must be just to get through the day trying to manage your heartbreak while keeping everything going at home and putting on a brave face for your children. You are obviously a strong woman. But imagine channelling all that strength into making positive changes in your own life, rather than in the role of “dutiful wife?”

You are still a young woman with a long life ahead of you and you need to decide what you want from that life. If you still see a viable future with your husband, what are the fundamental things that need to change? Does he need to do more at home and with the family and do you need to have more input into the farm, finances and the decision making? Do you need more time for yourself, not just as “mam” or “wife”? Do you need more time as a couple, away from his family?

I would suggest relationship counselling – even if your husband is unwilling to attend, I believe you would benefit greatly by speaking with a professional counsellor about how you are feeling and getting the support you need. It might also show your husband that you are serious that things will have to change. You could link in with a specific relationship service such as www.relationshipsireland.com or find a counsellor in your area through www.iacp.ie

Hopefully, your husband will wake up to what he risks losing and you can both get things back on track. However, it could transpire that you discover that this marriage simply cannot deliver what you need in your life.

As tempting as it can often be to make do with the devil you know rather than the devil you don’t, can you imagine living like this for another 10 years? Or 20 years? Whatever happens, don’t sell yourself or your dreams short. I wish you the best of luck.