Dear Miriam,

After 40 years of marriage, what’s missing is “love”. To the outsider we have lots of land, a nice house, etc – but we have nothing as far as I’m concerned. My husband is a good provider, a workaholic, criticises everyone, tells lies and thinks he is a great fellow. He never sees the bigger picture, eg. a holiday, day away, out for a night, etc. It’s slog, slog and money is his love and God. His mother was the same and very cold. Is that why he has no love in him?

I know the only things you can take when you leave this world are the things packed inside your heart. For me, that’s my children’s love.

Now I am going to make sure I won’t be buried with him. I’ll be cremated. I’ve made a will and my wishes are with my son, solicitor and priest. My marriage has been loveless – a big lie. I know lots of other women are like me and I think the Government should force these older farmers off the land and re-educate them into “living a life”.

Thanks,

Anne

Dear Anne,

Thank you for getting in touch. I’m very sorry you feel your marriage has been a lie and I’m afraid I can’t explain what made your husband the way he is. What I do see, however, is the love you have for your children and the love they have for you. So let there be no doubt about it: you are deeply loved by the people who matter most. Always remember that.

You seem like a strong woman who knows what she wants. But how about investing some of that energy into the here and now? You mention your husband can never see the bigger picture, like holidays or nights out. But that doesn’t mean you should not enjoy them. Have you a good friend who would like to go on day trips? Would one of the children be interested in heading off on a short break? Or would you be interested in joining a group like the ICA, which organises social outings? It might seem simplistic, but it’s about making time for the little things that give you joy.

I don’t know if you read the letter last week from the reader who was so full of praise of a service called DVAS in the north-west, which restored her confidence and gave her strength to live within her marriage and also to start looking at a future beyond it. I really think counselling could be helpful, if only to speak with somebody in complete confidence about the pressure of living a “lie”; and what little steps you can take to make life better. A local women’s or family resource centre should direct you to an appropriate service or you can find an accredited counsellor through the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy on www.iacp.ie or by calling (01) 230 3536.

Unfortunately, there is no way to change the last 40 years; but you can make changes that will bring about a brighter future. I wish you the best of luck.

In praise of a ‘rare’ plant

Dear Miriam,

Living here in an agricultural area, at present the farmers are very busy spraying corps for various diseases. But, I think I have discovered that very rare plant/fruit/vegetable which appears to have no enemies, no aphids, no rust, no mite, no midge, no worm, nor does frost kill it, and it thrives in our climate with rain at all seasons. Could our scientists possibly harness the power of this plant/fruit/vegetable and apply it to other crops, thus reducing costs and saving our environment? You are probably growing this plant in your back garden, as I also am. And you probably eat it too. I have also used it to clean a burnt saucepan. Have you guessed what this rare and precious plant is? Yes, it is rhubarb.

On a personal note, I enjoy your column and thank you for reading my contributions and for publishing same.

Marigold

Dear Marigold,

Thank you for your letter. I’ll have to leave your main query to the scientists I’m afraid, but I’m a big fan of rhubarb too. In fact, I just had some stewed with porridge this morning. I hope you have a bountiful crop this summer. CL