Dear Miriam,

I know that you deal with a lot of serious issues and that this problem is nothing in comparison but, even so, I would appreciate your opinion.

When I got married a few years ago, I invited the main people from my office. None of us would be best friends or anything like that, but we all get on well and I thought it was the right thing to do, so I was happy to have them there, along with their partners.

One of the girls from that group is now getting married in early summer up the country in Donegal. She has since moved jobs but we are still in touch on Facebook and I have been following her plans for the wedding all the way along.

A few weeks ago, she sent me a message to ask me for my address, which I duly supplied. However, when the invite landed in the letterbox this week, it turned out that it was just to the afters – even though this would mean driving almost six hours to get there from Cork on a Friday. Then there’s having to book a day off work, with the cost of an overnight stay on top of that, a present, outfit, hair etc!

I know this is hardly the end of the world, but I am actually quite hurt by it. Apart from the etiquette aspect, I suppose I just feel hurt that she didn’t think I deserved to be invited to the whole thing, or that I was more like an afterthought to her.

I have not sent my RSVP yet as I am so upset about it. My own friends were raging on my behalf when I told them the story, but my husband said we should be delighted that we don’t have to go all the way to Donegal and that it’s not worth getting annoyed over. He can’t understand why I’m so cross about it.

I know I am definitely not going to go to the wedding afters but do you think that I should say why? It just feels like it’s too much of a slight to allow it to pass by.

Cork Reader

Dear Cork Reader,

Thank you for your letter. I do understand why you feel this way. I remember a similar experience myself and feeling quite put out about it at the time.

When I really studied my feelings about it, however, I discovered it was not that I was going to miss the marriage ceremony or the beef/salmon that upset me, but the fact that I felt I had been somehow overlooked or dismissed by this person. And who wants to feel like that?

But did I really want to be at a wedding “just because” the person may have felt obliged to invite me? Well, probably not. The best weddings to attend are those of people you really care about. These are joyful occasions and you will take trains, boats and planes to be there. If you just feel like you are there to make up the numbers, however, it is easy to find yourself moaning about the distance, the expense, the time off work, the cost of the outfit, the hotel rate … and really, it loses all of its joy.

There could be many reasons why this girl felt she was not able to extend a full invitation to you. Perhaps she is limited by hotel capacity or her budget, or maybe she just wants to celebrate with those who truly are closest to her. That’s her right. But please don’t personalise it or take it as a slight.

Ask yourself would you really want to drive to Donegal and spend a lot of money for a wedding of a former colleague you are hardly in touch with anymore? If the answer is really no, then thank your lucky stars and put that money towards something you would really like to do instead.

In the meantime, perhaps a card or a nice note thanking this girl for her invite, explaining that you will not be able to attend but wishing her all the best for the future.

And on that note, I wish you the best too.