Dear Miriam,

Over 30 years ago I met a wonderful man who I fell madly in love with. He was also very much in love with me. We brought four beautiful children into this world, but also sadly lost two before they were born.

We both worked very hard to build up our farm – well, I should say my husband’s farm. When we married the farm was my husband’s, so I didn’t have much to offer, but over the years I worked very hard. I could drive the tractor, calve down the cows, milk, clean out the sheds, lamb the ewes and keep the books. I also took care of our dear children and my dear mother and father-in-law, nursing them in their old age.

I had brilliant energy and I was so happy that I impressed my husband so much. But my dear husband is working so hard he cannot see we are growing apart. I long for him to love me again, but I fear he is quite fed up with me. I got ill a few years ago and cannot work hard, or impress my husband any more. I feel very guilty about this, as all the burden is on my husband and the children. They talk and make discussions about the farm now, which makes me very lonely as I am not involved as much.

I long for myself and my husband to be happy again, but I feel he is quite fed up with me complaining about my illness, as I am always in chronic pain now. I have no money of my own, so I cannot move on and let my husband and the children have a happier life.

I keep wishing if only I was beautiful in his eyes again – as I do not have much money to spend on myself, you can imagine what I look like: old, tired and haggard. I once looked beautiful, had a wonderful smile and the happiness shone through me – but not any more.

My illness is a long sentence with chronic pain and loneliness, but I try to hide it from the children, my family and friends. Thank you so much for reading my letter Miriam.

Leinster Reader

Dear Leinster Reader,

The first thing I would like to say is that your beauty radiates from your letter; your kind heart overflowing with love for your husband and children, the sacrifices you made in putting farm and family before yourself, your bravery in overcoming the loss of two babies and your courage in dealing with chronic illness.

But it saddens me that you don’t see this yourself; indeed, you feel that your family would have a “happier life” if you had the money to move on. That is simply not true in my opinion. Where would any of them be today – your husband included – without your support through the years? And while you feel disappointed that you cannot “impress” anymore, you have nothing to prove. On the contrary, it is time that those that you have loved and cared for so selflessly stepped up to the plate.

In any relationship or family, it is all too easy to grow apart or take each other for granted. I feel that even the smallest effort by your husband and family to spend quality time together would make an enormous impact on how you feel; but if you continue to hide your suffering and loneliness, they are unlikely to get the message. Therefore, I think you need to be honest about how you feel if there is going to be real change. You deserve all that you long for: there is nothing unreasonable about wanting to be happy.

I would recommend speaking with a counsellor, as I feel that your self-esteem has suffered since your illness and it would be helpful to have a little support in building yourself back up. Relationship counselling would also be beneficial if your husband will go, but really, I feel that your priority should be to realise your own value first and foremost.

Also make time for self-care, whether it is going for a walk, getting out in the garden, meeting a friend, having a nice bath, etc. When we respect ourselves, the rest will follow.

My hope is that you believe me when I say that you are beautiful, you deserve to feel happy and loved and most of all, you matter. It is now time to put yourself first for a change. I wish you the best of luck. CL