Dear Miriam,

I wanted to write to you so many times. My husband and I are married over 40 years. He is an alcoholic and has had health problems. He was off the drink for a number of years, but now he is back on it and getting worse.

We were always so happy before. We have a brilliant family and now they don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be a burden on them. I’m not able for it any more. We have gone to AA counselling lots of times. He is a brilliant father and he is a good man to me. My years of living with a heavy drinker have taught me you have to be on your guard all the time, especially on family occasions.

I would love if you could help me. I keep myself active. I go walking, swimming and social dancing. I have to think of myself now. I would like to join groups that I can go on outings and holidays myself. I would love if you could give me advice on alcoholism.

Thank you,

Worried Reader

Dear Worried Reader,

Thank you for getting in touch, I know that it takes great courage to write a letter like this. I have no doubt that life has been challenging of late, but I think it is very positive that you see the need to think of – and care for – yourself now.

I am not an expert on alcoholism or addiction, but I do know from speaking with various support groups over the years that no matter how much we might want to ‘fix’ our loved one, at the end of the day we cannot control their behaviour. What we can control, however, are our own choices and reactions to their behaviour by developing healthier coping strategies and boundaries.

Of course, this can often require support. While you mention that ‘we’ have taken part in AA counselling, I wonder if you are referring to your husband or both of you? Either way, I would encourage you to seek out a service that is specifically aimed at loved ones who live with addiction for yourself. For example, Al-Anon provides understanding and support for families and friends of problem drinkers in an anonymous environment, with groups nationwide (call 01-8732699 or visit al-anon-ireland.org for further more). Many addiction treatment services will also have family support programmes, or you could consider private counselling support by checking with your local family resource/women’s centre, or asking your GP for a referral.

In terms of prioritising ‘me time’, however, I have been in touch with Kerry-based life coach Tina Curtin, who offers these words of gentle encouragement:

“It sounds like yourself and your family have faced many challenges over the years, and still come through them together with many happy memories. Possibly following recent events you have come to the decision that you must think of yourself now and what you would like to do. On one hand, changing your perspective and choosing new experiences for yourself can be empowering, while on the other hand it can bring a mixture of feelings for yourself and those closest to you; fears, doubts, guilt, anger, resentment, abandonment, loss – this is all perfectly normal. If prioritising your own needs is new to you, it may take a little practice before getting more comfortable with this new way of being. You are already on track with your own interests and just need to keep going.

“When you say you would like to join groups to go on outings and holidays, have you any ideas of the types of trips you would like to go on? You could begin by writing down what you know you already enjoy – walking, swimming, dancing and what it is you enjoy about these activities. You could then visit your local travel agent with this information and ask about trips that would meet your needs either with some friends or as a solo traveller. Talk to the people you meet during your current activities and ask about trips or outings they would recommend, or ask if anyone would be interested in organising an outing with you. When you are clearer on what you want to do, consider your next steps like saving, applying for your passport and commit!

“Look out for other possible clubs and organisations you could join like a voluntary group, over 55s, active retired etc. Join the group that best suits your wants and needs. Remember it is ok to look after yourself and you may be surprised at the knock-on effect your positive, proactive attitude will have on those around you. I wish you the very best of luck.”