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I am watching my grandson enjoy his newfound freedom as he totters across the floor. Suddenly he stumbles and both of us shriek as he falls. His dad sweeps him up and immediately distracts him by showing him the sheep outside in the paddock.
Soon the tears have stopped and a quick kiss on his forehead saves the day. I smile at my son’s efforts to build resilience into the little man. Even when his new puppy scratches his face a few minutes later, the same approach is used without any fuss – accidents happen – and the chap is happy to pose for a picture with his cute pet.
I can remember when I was a young child if I ran home with a cut knee or a bruise, my mother would tend to it briefly and suggest that I stop crying and “offer it up for the holy souls in Purgatory”.
Try using that ploy with any child today and you’d be met with a blank expression. There was a rich vein of psychology in the remark though. It required you to distance yourself from your pain and transpose it to alleviate someone else’s predicament.
I’m sure there’s some new terminology which covers the same formula – but without the religious connotation.
He was racing along a bench in a relay race when he slipped and fell
I recall an incident involving that same son on his first school sports day.
He was racing along a bench in a relay race when he slipped and fell; the impact as he slammed his ribs against the edge of the timber reverberated around the field.
Dozens of heads turned in my direction to see how I would react.
As I moved from the side lines, I could see him stand up, shake himself, check where his rivals were and then he ploughed on to win the race. In that split second, he had decided the prospect of victory far outweighed his discomfort.
I firmly believe that living on a farm provides lots of opportunities for building life skills. Children witness birth and death in a no-nonsense fashion from an early age.
They know when harvest time comes around that everyone has to help out and the odd football match is missed due to time pressure.
By going to the mart they learn a certain sales patter and bargaining skills that stand to them in later life.
While I realise team sports are not for everyone, it’s worth trying out a few of them with your children until you find one that fits
After lots of speculation, they share the excitement when a beast realises a better price than they could ever have imagined.
Equally, they have to endure occasions when the rosettes go to other people at agricultural shows – even if they were sure they had bred a champion.
While I realise team sports are not for everyone, it’s worth trying out a few of them with your children until you find one that fits.
The discipline of training in all weather, marking a tough opponent or even witnessing the drive and ambition of others create the determination we all need to survive.
Sometimes if a child is reluctant to jump into a crowd – it’s best to let them get involved in what might appear a more solitary hobby such as art or music.
Before you know it, they’ll be entering competitions or joining a choir- the potential is endless.
The reality is, we can’t prevent stress or trauma happening in our children’s lives
Much is said of “cottonwool kids” nowadays and how parents are over-protective.
The reality is, we can’t prevent stress or trauma happening in our children’s lives, but we can help them to cope by discussing the avenues open to them when adversity strikes.
When they work through a problem with our support, they are unphased when a similar situation arises in the future.
Experts in the field of mental health are now expressing concern about the fragility of many third level students when faced with a crisis in university life; by constantly jumping in to shield our youngsters from stress or failure in their formative years, we are doing them a great disservice.
“Good enough” parenting is what we’re all aiming for, and while you want your child to experience a wide variety of activities, sometimes you have to say no if they make a choice that doesn’t fit in with the family set-up.
One of our lads purchased three ducklings at a county show once without our permission and no amount of pleading would make me change my mind. The fowl were not coming home. We set his purchases on top of a crate and watched from a distance as he tried to sell them.
It took him a while to get them sold, but as he turned a small profit
My heart was heavy as I watched my seven-year-old plead for a buyer, his blue eyes brimming with tears.
It took him a while to get them sold, but as he turned a small profit, the pain was lessened somewhat. Did he learn from this event? Not really; he dragged me miles to a poultry fair that same summer and spent his meagre savings on a pair of Bantams. Unfortunately, the seller that time must have seen us coming. We arrived home with two males; much to the amusement of my husband.
A special programme
Recently, I’ve been privileged to meet some children through the Children’s Lives Include Moments of Bravery (CLIMB) Programme who have learnt a set of skills to develop resilience.
They have to deal with a family member’s journey with cancer and all the changes that take place in a household in that situation. When asked how they felt about a mother or father’s treatment in hospital, their practical comments took me by surprise:
"I wish daddy could kick ball in the back garden like we used to. I like lying on the couch watching soccer with him though."
"Daddy reads us a bedtime story and does the ‘voices’ – but mammy cuddles more."
"The house is full of people. I wish we could go on holidays – just us."
"It’s not fair! Men grow hair short but my mammy will have to wait ages to get her long hair back."
Their statements may be about practical things, but there is an underlying sensory need or emotion displayed. Through the sessions they share their thoughts and the terminology around chemotherapy and radiotherapy is openly discussed. Most importantly, they learn that it’s alright to explore all their feelings and to be happy and have fun too. Balancing sorrow and joy at the same time develops an emotional resilience that stands to them on difficult days.
Building resilience is a lifelong process and just when you think you’ve cracked it, a new event arrives to shake your confidence. Sometimes a situation is overwhelming and you need to ask for help until you can deal with it in a rational manner and accept it for what it is.
I’ve found The Green Platform by Declan Coyle to be an aid to making positive choices when life gets me down. If I need a gentle push to springclean my mind, I pick up a children’s picture book, The Huge Bag of Worries by Virginia Ironside.
As I sit crosslegged on the floor and my little grandson plonks into my lap, I read it to him. He is distracted from his woes and I am cured momentarily of mine. Inhaling his unique “family” scent as I nuzzle his hair, I know I can survive to face another day, another challenge.
The CLIMB4CLARE Programme for children between the ages of five to 12 years (sponsored by the Ladies Gaelic Football Association) is run by local cancer support centres throughout the country. Visit https://ladiesgaelic.ie/the-lgfa/climb4clare/
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