Hi Miriam,
I’d like to respond to the recent letter from a mother whose daughter wants to go to Spain with her friends after their Leaving Cert exams end.
I don’t think she was concerned in the least about paying for the holiday. I believe her main worry was about letting her daughter go.
And I don’t mean in terms of her going on the holiday. I mean in terms of letting her go into her own life.
The mother said that this would be the girl’s first holiday on her own and that she felt her daughter was not yet experienced enough for a holiday like this.
What I’m hearing is the worry that it’s the girl’s first holiday without her parents, and that she will be in a faraway place without their protection.
how does one become experienced if one doesn’t experience?
What I would say to the mother is not easy for her to hear; it is that the time has come in her daughter’s life, as it does for every young person, to dip her toe in, spread her wings, or whatever other metaphor applies for starting her life.
The girl is almost 18, the age at which a person is legally regarded as an adult. And she won’t be on her own on the holiday, if she goes.
She’ll be with her friends, some of whom she will probably have for life. She has been with them through thick and thin for years, and this holiday is their collective celebration of having completed their education to date.
The mother’s desire that her daughter have a good summer is perfectly normal, but what’s “a good summer” for her may be light years from what’s perceived as “a good summer” in her 17-18 year old’s eyes.
It’s very likely that offering her daughter alternatives, even including permission to attend festivals with her friends, just won’t cut it like this holiday will.
The mother expressed concern about her daughter’s lack of experience to handle the holiday, and herein lies the contradiction: how does one become experienced if one doesn’t experience?
It’s natural that a parent would fear such experiences as careless sex, excessive drinking, drug-taking and perhaps, the greatest one nowadays, finding oneself in a vulnerable situation.
But a trip like this will challenge the young people on it to experience decision making, independent thinking, self-management, discovering limits, and even more about friendship than they know already.
It is very possible that her daughter will come home happy, self-confident and feeling more ready for the next stage of her life than if she had not gone, watching, instead, the holiday unfold through social media.
The mother mentioned that the girl is her eldest daughter. This may also explain her anxiety. Parents have to navigate their way through their children’s development, so, obviously, it will be harder with the first child at every stage.
It is more than likely that this holiday will not be as worrying for the mother with her next daughter. I empathise with the mother, having been there myself.
What I found, along the way, is that the best a parent can do for their burgeoning teenager is communicate their concerns, advise as best they can, wish their young person well and be there when she/he needs them.
Wishing the mother well at this challenging moment in her life.
Another mother
Consider bringing a babysitter
We had a number of responses to the recent letter from a reader who was invited to an adult-only wedding, but was still breast-feeding, suggesting employing a babysitter for the event; below is just one example.
Hi Miriam,
As an alternative response to the letter, “Breastfeeding but asked to an adult-only wedding” in the 14 May edition, I think “New mother” should consider the following: If she would still like to go to her cousin’s wedding, she should do so and install her baby in her bedroom with a babysitter to mind him/her between feeds.
This way, her mind is at ease as she is at hand to tend to the baby, but still able to attend and enjoy the wedding. She does not even have to consult with her cousin on the matter.
She also does not have to miss the wedding, which may leave her with regret and, perhaps, ill feeling. Instead, she will have happy memories of the event and, hopefully, be back on an even keel with her cousin, which would be good for her going forward.
Well wisher
Read more
I’ve been invited to an adult-only wedding but I’m still breastfeeding my baby
My daughter wants us to pay for her post-Leaving Cert holiday
Hi Miriam,
I’d like to respond to the recent letter from a mother whose daughter wants to go to Spain with her friends after their Leaving Cert exams end.
I don’t think she was concerned in the least about paying for the holiday. I believe her main worry was about letting her daughter go.
And I don’t mean in terms of her going on the holiday. I mean in terms of letting her go into her own life.
The mother said that this would be the girl’s first holiday on her own and that she felt her daughter was not yet experienced enough for a holiday like this.
What I’m hearing is the worry that it’s the girl’s first holiday without her parents, and that she will be in a faraway place without their protection.
how does one become experienced if one doesn’t experience?
What I would say to the mother is not easy for her to hear; it is that the time has come in her daughter’s life, as it does for every young person, to dip her toe in, spread her wings, or whatever other metaphor applies for starting her life.
The girl is almost 18, the age at which a person is legally regarded as an adult. And she won’t be on her own on the holiday, if she goes.
She’ll be with her friends, some of whom she will probably have for life. She has been with them through thick and thin for years, and this holiday is their collective celebration of having completed their education to date.
The mother’s desire that her daughter have a good summer is perfectly normal, but what’s “a good summer” for her may be light years from what’s perceived as “a good summer” in her 17-18 year old’s eyes.
It’s very likely that offering her daughter alternatives, even including permission to attend festivals with her friends, just won’t cut it like this holiday will.
The mother expressed concern about her daughter’s lack of experience to handle the holiday, and herein lies the contradiction: how does one become experienced if one doesn’t experience?
It’s natural that a parent would fear such experiences as careless sex, excessive drinking, drug-taking and perhaps, the greatest one nowadays, finding oneself in a vulnerable situation.
But a trip like this will challenge the young people on it to experience decision making, independent thinking, self-management, discovering limits, and even more about friendship than they know already.
It is very possible that her daughter will come home happy, self-confident and feeling more ready for the next stage of her life than if she had not gone, watching, instead, the holiday unfold through social media.
The mother mentioned that the girl is her eldest daughter. This may also explain her anxiety. Parents have to navigate their way through their children’s development, so, obviously, it will be harder with the first child at every stage.
It is more than likely that this holiday will not be as worrying for the mother with her next daughter. I empathise with the mother, having been there myself.
What I found, along the way, is that the best a parent can do for their burgeoning teenager is communicate their concerns, advise as best they can, wish their young person well and be there when she/he needs them.
Wishing the mother well at this challenging moment in her life.
Another mother
Consider bringing a babysitter
We had a number of responses to the recent letter from a reader who was invited to an adult-only wedding, but was still breast-feeding, suggesting employing a babysitter for the event; below is just one example.
Hi Miriam,
As an alternative response to the letter, “Breastfeeding but asked to an adult-only wedding” in the 14 May edition, I think “New mother” should consider the following: If she would still like to go to her cousin’s wedding, she should do so and install her baby in her bedroom with a babysitter to mind him/her between feeds.
This way, her mind is at ease as she is at hand to tend to the baby, but still able to attend and enjoy the wedding. She does not even have to consult with her cousin on the matter.
She also does not have to miss the wedding, which may leave her with regret and, perhaps, ill feeling. Instead, she will have happy memories of the event and, hopefully, be back on an even keel with her cousin, which would be good for her going forward.
Well wisher
Read more
I’ve been invited to an adult-only wedding but I’m still breastfeeding my baby
My daughter wants us to pay for her post-Leaving Cert holiday
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