Here’s an agricultural riddle (nearly every farm has one): it receives regular inspection, is a necessary and integral part of our lives, and most farmers don’t discuss its details with each other.

What is it? If you thought I was referring to the Single Farm Payment then you’d be wrong, because the answer is (of course) a septic tank.

For anyone living near a road with access to the mains sewage system, then the joys of attending to and cleaning out the septic tank, are something you’ve escaped. And you won’t have heard much discussion around this subject either, because it tends to be something that doesn’t crop up in agricultural conversation.

Nevertheless, if you mention to another farmer that you’ve recently been sorting out ‘septic tank issues’, you will notice how their eyes light up slightly, and they will nod in agreement as you regale them with the gory details of how the battle was won.

Clue

Assuming most waste systems are broadly like my own, then the first clue that all is not well in the sewage department may be the reluctance of the toilet or bath to drain freely.

Despite the obvious tell-tale signs, I tend to be far too busy to investigate there and then, and instead wait another day or two.

Hoping that it may sort itself out tends to be my default setting, despite knowing this has never, ever worked in the past. Finally comes the reluctant acceptance that a full morning is going to be set aside in order to do the job correctly. But once I have accepted that there’s no other solution, I quite enjoy the whole business of sucking out and unblocking any sewage system.

Attached

First the slurry tanker is attached, then half an hour is spent searching for the long four-inch hose (which is exactly where it was left when last used by the same person).

Then my wife is informed that the clothes line is to be cleared immediately. This has become mandatory since an incident a few years ago when the tanker was set to blow instead of suck after emptying the tank, and the entire garden was coated in a generous layer of household slurry.

Next comes the bit that I really enjoy, because there is something endlessly satisfying about watching a full pit (and surrounding pipework) of gunge disappearing up into the slurry tanker.

Flush

Once everything has been cleared, someone inside the house is instructed to flush the loo in order to ascertain whether there is something still blocking the pipe. This is also a highly satisfying business if a gush of clear water gurgles into the septic tank.

However, if only a trickle appears, then it is time to send for one of the most magical tools available to mankind.

Nozzle

If you do not own a jetter nozzle for your power washer, then I thoroughly recommend one of these marvellous devices.

The hand lance is removed, and this little fitting replaces it. The water is forced against a spinning cap at the tip of the jet and shoots backwards under high pressure. When the hose is placed inside a blocked sewer pipe, it propels itself along until it comes to a more solid blockage, which disintegrates due to the cutting nature of the jetted water.

I’ve been clearing septic tanks now for close to 40 years, and while it is never something that we approach with any degree of relish, it is yet another task within our farming life that brings its very own sense of pleasure.

And while it will never be something we can brag about, or mention when at a dinner party, only those that have experienced the highs of beating a blocked drain can appreciate that winning feeling.

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