I’m struggling to keep the peace when it comes to family relationships as a close relative cannot accept the fact that I am gay.

We had a very good relationship before I came out six years ago.

However, since then he pretends to be supportive in public, but when we meet up for family gatherings, he regularly finds the opportunity to say something sarcastic. When there’s drink involved, he doesn’t even try to pretend he’s not homophobic.

I don’t have to see this person very often as we don’t live in the same town, but I am dreading the next few weeks as we’ve a family wedding coming up and I just know it’s going to be the same old, same old.

The really frustrating part is he is very vocal about how times have changed and how we are all so inclusive since the Marriage Equality referendum was passed. My family think he’s great and so progressive, given he grew up when homosexuality was a crime. But it’s all a front because a decade after such progress he can’t accept me, or keep his bigoted opinions to himself when it’s just me and him in the room.

I know I’m going to lose my temper soon and I also know I will be portrayed as the villain. How do I navigate such a nasty individual who I once used to idolise?

Declan, Co Longford

Dear reader,

I am so sorry to read that by being your authentic self you have lost a member of your family you were once close to.

This behaviour is unacceptable and I can appreciate your frustration when the duplicity of this individual leaves him being praised for his progressive and supportive stance on LGBTQ+ issues.

However, the reality is he is being vindictive and nasty in private and you need to call him out on his behaviour. It may be worth suggesting you meet up for a coffee in a neutral, public venue, where you could gently but firmly explain to him that you are not prepared to put up with his bullying any longer.

This may not end well in that you may have to walk away from the relationship for good, if he cannot accept who you are. But if you can calmly explain how hurtful his behaviour is, then he might rethink his actions. If he is fully aware of the damage his words have on you however, you may be better off putting a firm boundary in place and avoid any events where your paths will cross.

It may be worth suggesting you meet up for a coffee in a neutral, public venue, where you could gently but firmly explain to him that you are not prepared to put up with his bullying any longer

You do not have to expose yourself to toxic behaviour in order to keep the peace. I would explain to anyone who may challenge you on your refusal to attend family gatherings where this individual will be, that you are not prepared to compromise your own mental health for the sake of appearances.

Reader writes

Dear Miriam,

I read with interest a reader query (Irish Country Living, 18 October 2025), about their mum’s behaviour changing in a nursing home. As well as your great advice I’d also suggest they ask a doctor to review her and consider referral to a geriatrician. There may be something going on related to the brain, that can affect interaction and walking. There are local public geriatricians and some will organise nursing home visits which can be arranged via a GP referral.

Best wishes, Shane

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