My son’s drinking is making our lives a misery and I cannot get through to him about the damage he is doing.

He’s in his late 20s and has been back living at home since his relationship broke up towards the end of last year. We think his drinking was one of the reasons why his partner left him, but we haven’t asked any questions as we thought it best to keep our noses out of it.

But that approach hasn’t worked and he’s coming in from the farm in the evenings and just sitting there drinking can after can of cider.

His father and himself have come to blows more than once over various things but at this stage it almost feels like my husband is afraid of him.

I have two other children, one who doesn’t come home anymore from college because of her brother and the youngest girl who has just gone into her Leaving Cert year.

I want to help my eldest sort his life out but I don’t know where to start. At times I just wish he’d move out and leave us in peace, but I know that’s a terrible thing for a mother to say. Please help me find a way of getting back to a healthy family, which is all I want for all of us.

– Claire, Co Laois

Dear reader,

The toll addiction takes on a family can be almost worse than what it does to the addict and it sounds like you are suffering a great deal right now.

Your son is an adult, so there are two approaches you can take. One is rather harsh but may be necessary if you are to get through to him, and that is to tell him to move out.

A second, more gentle approach is to encourage him to engage with addiction services to address his problem, which he has to face up to if he is to move forward in his life.

I’m sure neither feel viable right now but until your son reaches the point where he can acknowledge that he has an addiction, and decides whether or not he wants to seek help to overcome it, there is very little you can do for him.

A second, more gentle approach is to encourage him to engage with addiction services to address his problem, which he has to face up to if he is to move forward in his life

I’m also very concerned about the effect his behaviour is having on the family unit, and there are supports out there that can help you through this difficult time.

Al Anon is an organisation that supports the family members of alcoholics and offer a safe, confidential space where you can talk through your feelings.

Alateen, which is available through the UK branch of Al Anon, can help your teenager, but you will both need to contact them through the Irish office to avail of their services.

I know some men aren’t comfortable with the idea of talking about their problems with strangers, but I don’t think it’s fair for your husband to simply walk away from this issue when it’s having such a devastating effect on everyone. Your son has two parents and he needs to respect you both, and the boundaries you must implement to deliver a calmer home.

The Al Anon website, al-anon.org.uk, has a number of podcasts you may also find helpful in navigating the next steps.

For more information on the services and support offered by Al Anon, call 01 8732699.

Do you have a problem you would like to share? If so, write in confidence to: Dear Miriam, Agony Aunt, Irish Country Living, Irish Farmers Journal, Irish Farm Centre, Bluebell, Dublin 12, or email miriam@farmersjournal.ie