Question: I am struggling with everything at the minute and I can’t get anyone to hear me when I say I’m at breaking point. I am a farmer’s wife and daughter so I have long known the demands of farm life. But I also work outside the farm, and we’re rearing three young children. Added to this is the fact that I’m the only daughter, so the care of my elderly parents has fallen to me. My three brothers all live locally but seem to think it’s my job to take care of doctor’s and hospital appointments, as well as making sure the day-to-day care of our parents is covered.

In recent months my mother’s health has failed considerably. We have secured some hours of home help, but this is no longer enough to meet her needs. I want to start looking at residential nursing home care and my father seems to agree, but Mam is adamant she wants to stay at home. Her darling sons agree with her, which is very easy when they don’t lift a finger in caring for her.

But I’m starting to worry about the toll it’s taking on my own health and I feel I have to do something before my own family starts to suffer. Am I being selfish? How do I convince my mother that I can no longer manage to stay on top of everything and that she would be much better cared for in a nursing home?

- A weary daughter

Dear reader,

It is clear from your letter how much pressure you are under right now and I am glad you are aware of this and recognise the need to protect your own health in the midst of such a stressful situation.

Firstly, it is totally unacceptable that your siblings are abdicating their responsibilities to care for your parents but unfortunately there still seems to be the assumption that daughters must be the primary carers, regardless of how many children there are in a family.

If your mother’s care needs are beyond the capabilities of the family, with the support of home help, then I would strongly urge you to contact your mother’s GP and seek a meeting with your parents in attendance.

While no one can force your mother to move into residential care, if there is a strong medical case for round-the -clock care, it would be helpful if her doctor could convince her of the benefits of moving to a more appropriate living arrangement.

Your father’s presence at this meeting is essential, as he too must play a part in convincing his wife that while everyone would love to be able to respect her wishes, if her needs are such that they require professional care, then the decision is out of their hands.

If your mother’s care needs are beyond the capabilities of the family, with the support of home help, then I would strongly urge you to contact your mother’s GP and seek a meeting with your parents in attendance

I don’t know if there’s any benefit in trying to talk to your brothers about this. If they aren’t playing an active role in supporting you in the care of your parents, they don’t get a say in what happens next.

You have yourself and your own family to consider and doing so is not selfish; it is the only responsible thing to do in the circumstances.

If your health is impacted, which it will be if the current situation continues, you will not be able to care for anyone and that must be avoided at all costs.

Do you have a problem you would like to share? If so, write in confidence to: Dear Miriam, Agony Aunt, Irish Country Living, Irish Farmers Journal, Irish Farm Centre, Bluebell, Dublin 12, or email miriam@farmersjournal.ie