Question: I am hoping you’ll have some advice for a delicate issue surrounding my boyfriend and money. We’re saving for our first home and he’s recently been given a very generous gift by an elderly aunt.

This would help us massively in reaching our deposit goal, but he’s saying he’s going to give it back as he’s not comfortable accepting it.

The problem is his aunt has been estranged from her own family for a long time now, and he’s afraid that if he accepts this money, it will bring a lot of hassle from his cousins, when they find out.

I’ve heard lots of stories about when he was a child how he used to spend the summers on her farm, helping her with the cattle, as her husband passed away young and her three daughters were young at the time.

I’ve met her a couple of times, and she has always been really kind. I think she wants him to have something before she dies, and things get messy with inheritance given her family situation. I’m not sure what exactly went wrong between her and her children, I haven’t asked but I know it’s gone on for a long, long time with no sign of anyone making the first move towards a reconciliation. We don’t see his cousins from one end of the year to the next, so I don’t think my boyfriend should reject what is a very kind and generous gesture from someone who clearly thinks a lot of him.

How do I convince him to accept this money for what it is, a gift from someone who cares about him, without it looking like I just want it for my own benefit?

A Limerick reader

He can air his concerns over any potential conflict with his cousins in the event they are told about the gift, and she could reassure him that her children will not have any claim on money she bequeaths while still alive

Dear reader,

I’m inclined to trust your boyfriend’s instinct on this, as finances and families can often cause a lot of problems when mixed.

You may not know the reason why this woman’s children are estranged from her, but I imagine your boyfriend has a fair idea. He also knows this woman far better than you do, so his reluctance to accept the gift could well be based on more than a knee-jerk reaction.

In saying that, the aunt clearly does think a lot of her nephew if she has decided to give him a generous amount of money while she is still alive.

Perhaps the most prudent course of action would be for him to visit her alone to discuss it all.

He can air his concerns over any potential conflict with his cousins in the event they are told about the gift, and she could reassure him that her children will not have any claim on money she bequeaths while still alive.

It is a very delicate situation and I would tread very carefully in your shoes. You are clearly very committed to your savings goal as you aim to get on the property ladder, but don’t let that focus allow you to cross a line in your relationship.

Whatever decision your boyfriend reaches in terms of this money, you should support him. You were on the path to saving for a home before this money entered the equation so don’t let it come between you or it could damage more relationships than that of your boyfriend and his cousins.

Do you have a problem you would like to share? If so, write in confidence to: Dear Miriam, Agony Aunt, Irish Country Living, Irish Farmers Journal, Irish Farm Centre, Bluebell, Dublin 12, or email miriam@farmersjournal.ie