Dear Miriam,

I hope that you can give me some advice. My brother’s wife recently had her second baby, a gorgeous little girl.

When she had her first baby a few years ago, she asked her only sister to be godmother, with my other brother taking on the role of godfather. I had no problem with that arrangement at all. However, I expected that with the second baby, I would be asked to be godmother as I am the only other auntie (related through blood at least.) So, you can imagine how I feel after discovering that my sister-in-law has just gone and asked her friend to be godmother instead of me.

I am so hurt by this snub. While we do not have an awful lot in common, I have always made an effort to get along with her as best I can. In fact, since she and my brother had their first child, I’ve made myself available to babysit whenever they had a wedding or a function and even took time off work to help out when she went in to hospital to have the second baby; something I have never seen her “best friend” do, now that I think of it.

Of course, I want to be involved because I love spending time with my nieces, but now I just feel a bit used. To be honest, I can’t believe that she didn’t ask me even if it was just for the sake of keeping up appearances. But it does not seem to have even crossed her mind how it might make me feel, or how it will look to outsiders.

My own mother is fuming about it too, but my father is of the opinion that the last thing we need is a fall out in the family and that we should just leave well enough alone. I did tell my brother how I felt, but he just said that his wife considers this particular friend to be almost like a sister and that I shouldn’t be getting upset about it as it’s “nothing personal”. He even tried to make a joke that at least I’ll save money in the long-term by not having to buy extra presents as godmother.

The christening will be coming up in a few weeks and I am seriously considering not attending. Why should I bother? I probably won’t be missed anyway, but at least it might send some message to my sister-in-law about her behaviour.

What do you think I should do?

Upset Auntie

Dear Upset Auntie,

Thank you for your email. I understand completely where you are coming from and why you are so annoyed about this “snub”. While I do think that your sister-in-law and brother should have complete freedom when picking their children’s godparents, in this instance, a little sensitivity would not have gone astray by explaining why they picked the friend and that it was no reflection on you or your ability as a role model. But what is done is done, so you have to decide now how you choose to deal with it.

As for staying away from the christening as a way of sending “a message”, I think you have to look at the big picture and remember the most important people in this situation: your two nieces. While you might not have the title of godmother, you are still a very important person in their lives. Is it worth jeopardising your future relationship with them over a showdown with their mother because your pride is a bit bruised, albeit understandably? I suspect not.

So, if I were you, I would attend the christening, if only for their sake. As for future babysitting etc, I would advise you to invest your time doing the things that will help develop a loving and fun relationship with your two nieces – but that does not mean you have to drop everything and run whenever you get the call. There is no need to be a martyr.

I know right now you are probably still seething with your sister-in-law but, in the grand scheme of things, it actually won’t really matter who is the “godmother” as long as you are there for them. I wish you the best of luck.