Question: I’m worried my elderly father is being manipulated by my brother and his wife, who already have got him to sign over most of the farm in the past few years.

Dad still lives in the farmhouse, which admittedly is far too big for one person, but it’s his home and it’s where all his memories and comforts are. We lost Mammy five years ago and he’s surprised us all at how well he’s coped. Over the years, he has learned to look after himself, becoming more independent after spending so much of his married life being lovingly spoiled and cared for.

My brother and his wife now have their eye on the house and the last couple of acres that Dad still farms. They built a fine bungalow on a site the other side of the farm about ten years ago, but are now claiming they need to be closer to the yard.

My worry is that Dad will just let them at it for a quiet life. The irony is his life would be anything but peaceful if he allows them to move in. My bigger fear is they will ship him off to a nursing home, once they get their feet under the table. Despite the fact he is hale and hearty and thankfully, in great health even though he’s in his late 80s.

I’ve tried to talk to my brother but he dismisses me every time. He likes to point out that I’m not living nearby, so don’t help out with the day-to-day stuff and therefore don’t have a right to an opinion.

My only motivation here is Dad’s best interests. I know he was very clear that he wanted to stay in the house and to retain ownership of it for the rest of his life. I just want to make sure that this wish is honoured, but I don’t know how best to go about it.

– Worried daughter, Co Mayo

Dear reader,

Your letter conveys a deep sense of worry that your father could be manipulated into doing something he isn’t comfortable with. To that end, the most important conversation you must have is with your dad.

If he still wants to retain ownership of his home and land, then he must be supported to do this. If he or you feel he is not being listened to, I would suggest you both pay a visit to his solicitor to clarify the situation regarding the land transfer that has already been signed with your brother.

The most concerning part of your letter is the assertion that because you don’t live close to your father, you don’t have the right to express an opinion on his living arrangements. You have every right to advocate for your father, particularly if there is any chance, he will capitulate to his son’s demands for the sake of a quiet life.

If he still wants to retain ownership of his home and land, then he must be supported to do this

In saying that, you may find that things have changed for your father in the five years since your mother died. It could be that he is finding living alone to be a lonely experience and he would enjoy the company of others. But that is a decision only he can make, and if he would rather continue with his current living arrangement, where he retains ownership of his home and land, then he should be able to voice that preference and live that reality.

Do you have a problem you would like to share? If so, write in confidence to: Dear Miriam, Agony Aunt, Irish Country Living, Irish Farmers Journal, Irish Farm Centre, Bluebell, Dublin 12, or email miriam@farmersjournal.ie