Question: I’ve been in shock since my 30-year-old daughter recently informed me that she was sexually abused by a cousin of hers when she was six or seven.

Her cousin was 13 at the time. I am very friendly with the boy’s mother and I don’t know if I should say it to her or not.

We used always go visiting there when the children were young. I cannot understand why it took my daughter so long to tell me. What can I do at this stage? What do I say? Or should I just let sleeping dogs lie?

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– Distraught mother in Leinster

Dear reader,

I am very sorry to hear your daughter suffered such a devastating experience at such a young age. I am sure she has thought long and hard before confiding in you about what happened to her as a child, and however shocked you are at the news, you must prioritise her feelings and wishes above all else.

She is now an adult and any decisions and actions she may take from this point on are hers and hers alone to make. Had you become aware of the abuse at the time, then it would have been your job as the parent of a young child to advocate on her behalf. But she is now an adult and it is up to her what steps she takes next, if any.

My best advice is to have a further conversation with your daughter, asking first of all about her reason for telling you. Maybe she just wanted to share the burden. Or was it a way of asking you to confront her abuser’s mother?

You must not make a decision on this without consulting her, as you are not the victim here, she is. Likewise, your friend has done nothing wrong here, it is her son who is being accused of abuse, not her.

Find out what kind of support your daughter needs from you in the here and now. That may well be to stand by her if she decides to report what happened to the gardaí, or reach out for support in the form of counselling

I would also suggest you refrain from using language like ‘let sleeping dogs lie’. I appreciate you mean no harm but your daughter was abused, by someone she knew at an age where she most likely did not understand what was happening.

She has carried this pain for over 20 plus years and I would imagine it has taken her this long to even begin to process what happened to her. Part of that may well be confiding in you, her mother, who won’t intentionally want to add to her distress, but may end up doing so by using such terminology.

Find out what kind of support your daughter needs from you in the here and now. That may well be to stand by her if she decides to report what happened to the gardaí, or reach out for support in the form of counselling. If this is the route she takes, she will undoubtedly need your support when the wider family become aware of the situation. Alternatively, she may have needed to share the secret with someone she trusts but does not plan to bring it any further.. You may also benefit from confiding in a professional, if this secret is proving too heavy to carry. Your GP would be a good place to start.

The decision to bring this abuse out into the open is your daughter’s to make. So long as you respect that fact, and reassure her that you believe her and want to help her deal with her trauma, you will navigate the difficult road that lies ahead.

Helplines: One in Four: 01 662 4070 and Dublin Rape Crisis Centre (DRCC) National 24-Hour Helpline: 1800 77 8888.

Do you have a problem you would like to share? If so, write in confidence to: Dear Miriam, Agony Aunt, Irish Country Living, Irish Farmers Journal, Irish Farm Centre, Bluebell, Dublin 12, or email miriam@farmersjournal.ie