Dear Miriam,

How common is this problem? My husband only showers and changes his underwear about once every week to 10 days. He sees nothing wrong with this, but it has completely spoiled our intimate relationship. It is very difficult to think of becoming close and he will not listen if the subject is brought up.

Frustrated Wife

Dear Frustrated Wife,

Thank you for your letter. I can imagine that this is a very difficult situation to live with and I can understand your sense of frustration.

My first question though would be if this a recent development or has hygiene always been something of an issue in the relationship? From your letter, I get the impression that it is something that has escalated of late as you say it has “completely spoiled” your intimate relationship, which leads me to believe that it was not an obstacle in the past. So that’s why I wonder if there is more to your husband’s behaviour than meets the eye?

Sometimes if people are going through a difficult time, emotionally or psychologically, they can lose interest in or neglect aspects of their life, such as their hygiene or diet. As difficult as it is to live with somebody with poor hygiene, I can’t imagine it’s very pleasant to go without a shower or clean clothes for that long either, so you would have to question if there’s more going on here than sheer laziness and lack of consideration?

Along with his hygiene, has his mood undergone a dramatic shift of late? Have things been going okay on the farm or has there been a lot of stress? How are things financially?

Of course, I could be barking up the wrong tree completely – perhaps he does just need to be reacquainted with a bar of soap – but it is worth thinking about. Maybe instead of focusing discussions on his poor hygiene, you could explain that you are concerned as this behaviour is not like him and you would like to get to the root of it for the sake of your relationship.

You could also bring the issue of intimacy into this conversation by explaining that you want to enjoy that part of your married life, but it is difficult to do so at present. Explain that it will not take much, simply a shower before bedtime and a fresh change of clothes once a day. It will just take five minutes, but those five minutes will make a big difference to both your lives and to your marriage.

Tell him that you are only speaking out of love and with concern for his well-being, you are not attempting to nag him. Because he might not realise it, but if his hygiene is the issue that you say it is, you can be certain it has been noted down in the local pub or at mass.

If the problem continues to escalate, he may find himself alienated from friends and the local community, and that would be very sad indeed, when it’s something that can be so easily addressed.

However, you must realise too that he is the only person who can change his ways and that you cannot take responsibility for his hygiene or lack thereof. If it is getting to you, you could look at speaking to a counsellor (check with your local family or women’s resource centre) and also make time to get away and clear your head – whether it’s going for a walk, joining a class, taking up a new hobby or meeting friends by yourself for a cup of tea or coffee on a regular basis.

If your husband really is unwilling to change, however, and with no good reason why, maybe you must decide what standards you expect in this relationship and whether there are other changes that need to be made. Ultimately this is about respect, in every sense of the word.

I hope that you find some of this advice useful. Of course, if other readers have experienced this same problem, they are more than welcome to write in to share their tips. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you can find a solution. CL