I’m getting married later this year and should be looking forward to the best day of my life, but I’m struggling with a pretty big stumbling block.

I met my fiancé three years ago, shortly after I turned 40 and had pretty much given up on getting married. But he is the kindest, funniest, most considerate person I’ve ever met and we both feel very grateful to have found each other.

The problem is his ex-wife with whom he shares two children; a little girl who is six and a nine-year-old boy. I get on very well with both children and get the feeling they like me, but their mother is insisting on coming to the wedding to ‘mind them’.

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We have planned a small ceremony in a stately home near where I live, with a meal after for no more than 50 close friends and family.

The children aren’t babies, and we want them to be involved in our day but I’m very uncomfortable with my future husband’s ex being there. He understands where I’m coming from but wants his children by his side. His ex-wife has made it pretty clear that if she isn’t welcome, then the kids won’t be there.

I have met her regularly and while we wouldn’t be friends, there is no animosity between us. I fear that if I cause a fuss over this, it could make life difficult in our marriage, as she may decide to impose further conditions on our access to the children.

Am I being unreasonable or should I try to speak to this woman to explain how I feel?

– Bride to be,

Co Cavan

Dear reader,

First of all, congratulations on your upcoming nuptials. A wedding is a cause for celebration as you gather friends and family together to share in the joy of your love and commitment to each other. The months leading up to the big day shouldn’t be blighted by stress, but as anyone who has gotten married knows, there are always a few curveballs to upset the applecart.

This sounds more than a curveball though. I would first suggest you take a step back and consider how your wedding will make this woman feel. Your letter doesn’t go into the reasons why she and your fiancé split up, but if they are co-parenting their children successfully, to the point where you have been welcomed into their family dynamic, it suggests they have overcome any animosity that came from the break-up.

Going forward this is worth preserving, for sure, but not at the expense of your peace of mind on your wedding day.

I would suggest you or your fiancé arrange to meet this lady for coffee. Gently but firmly explain that you are tight on numbers, given the intimate nature of the day, and would be unable to accept her offer to mind the children on the day.

Whether that message would land best from you or your fiancé is really a call only you can make as a couple.

Going forward this is worth preserving, for sure, but not at the expense of your peace of mind on your wedding day

It is also important to make it clear that the children will be at the heart of your day so they won’t be left unsupervised at any point.

If she persists with her threat to prevent the children attending the wedding however, unless she is there, you may need to come to terms with the fact that her presence may be a small price to pay for future peace.

Do you have a problem you would like to share? If so, write in confidence to: Dear Miriam, Agony Aunt, Irish Country Living, Irish Farmers Journal, Irish Farm Centre, Bluebell, Dublin 12, or email miriam@farmersjournal.ie