I have an adult stepson who is neurodivergent (undiagnosed). Among his many challenges, he has severe eczema on his face. I know stress can bring this on. I believe the condition stands in his way – along with other things – of getting a job. We are a blended family, where there are lots of unresolved traumas, but I don’t believe family therapy is ever going to be considered.

My stepson has so many problems but I feel like if we can help with this one thing, maybe some of the rest would fall into place.

But how can we help him when he himself doesn’t want us to get involved?

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I would really appreciate your advice.

– Worried reader.

Dear reader,

To notice the struggles of others and to want to help is noble but it can be fraught with difficulties, especially in the case of an adult child who has made it clear he doesn’t want your intervention.

You say yours is a blended family with unresolved trauma, which must be a difficult landscape to navigate. The fact your stepson is an adult means he has autonomy over his own decisions, and while he may not want you to become involved in his life in a direct way, there are alternative, subtle ways you can support him.

Eczema has many causes, including, as you point out, stress. But there are a range of topical creams and medications that could ease his symptoms. Taking a formal, medical approach to the problem may be too invasive for your stepson, but there are a myriad of options available over the counter that could make their way into the bathroom cabinet, for instance. You could also visit your local health food store to ask advice from staff on supplements or herbal remedies that could be useful.

Eczema has many causes, including, as you point out, stress. But there are a range of topical creams and medications that could ease his symptoms

I would also look at what detergent and hygiene products you are using in the home and if possible move to more sensitive options, which may help.

Another option could be to address his diet. You could try eliminating certain foods to see if this helps reduce skin flare ups.

Stress is absolutely a contributing factor to skin flare ups and while it may be impossible to avoid all conflict in the home, you could encourage your stepson to engage in some meditation. If that’s too big a step, perhaps you could suggest some calming podcasts he could listen to. They just might help him to relax which could pay dividends for his skin and overall health and wellbeing.

This indirect way of supporting him will not reveal the extent of your worry regarding the bigger picture of his undiagnosed neurodivergence or employability. But it might help ease his symptoms and boost his confidence, which if successful he may credit to your intervention, so long as your help is discreet.

Building a relationship of trust may, in time, help you broach the subject of his skin issues, which must be very difficult to manage given his face is so badly affected.

While I’m a big believer in communication, I appreciate that it isn’t an option for many families and forcing the issue to sit down and talk can sometimes do more harm than good. But small subtle supports can make a world of difference.

Do you have a problem you would like to share? If so, write in confidence to: Dear Miriam, Agony Aunt, Irish Country Living, Irish Farmers Journal, Irish Farm Centre, Bluebell, Dublin 12, or email miriam@farmersjournal.ie.