We don’t know where to turn but we have growing concerns for our mother who is living in a nursing home since the start of the year, and whose health seems to be declining.

Mam was very keen to move in to residential care after the death of our dad as she didn’t want to stay on her own in the home they shared for over 50 years. She wanted to be active and around people so we were very relieved when the local nursing home had a space, and we were able to bring some of her things to make her room as much like home as possible.

But in the last few months she’s gone downhill and we can’t figure out why. When we would go into visit her, she used to be sitting in the lounge, chatting with her new friends and in great form. Now, she sits in the chair in her room on her own.

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We’ve asked the staff why she isn’t socialising and they aren’t giving us a straight answer. Her walking has got worse, so we’re wondering if it’s just too much trouble for them to bring her up to the reception room.

Mam keeps saying she doesn’t want to be a bother to anyone, so we know she won’t make a fuss. But isolating herself in her room all day is doing her no good. Any advice you can give on how to approach this so that Mam is getting the care she needs would be greatly appreciated.

– A concerned daughter, Co Wicklow

Dear reader,

You are clearly worried about your mother and along with your grief over the loss of your father, and her husband, the situation must be very difficult to cope with.

You say it was your mother’s decision to move into residential care, but I’m wondering if you should ask her if this is something she is still happy with? If she started out being happy to mix with the other residents but is now confining herself to her room, there is a chance she has changed her mind.

I would first suggest a meeting with the head nurse or staff in the nursing home where you can ask for an update on how your mother is getting on

You also say she doesn’t want to bother anyone, so she may feel she can’t tell you if she has had a change of heart.

If she is up to a day trip out of the nursing home, that could be a good opportunity to get her to share how she is feeling about her living situation.

If she is still happy to stay in the nursing home, then you need to get to the bottom of why her routine has changed. I would first suggest a meeting with the head nurse or staff in the nursing home where you can ask for an update on how your mother is getting on. This would determine if there are other issues you haven’t been made aware of, and would also give you the chance to raise your concerns. If this discussion doesn’t solve the problem, you have the option of making a formal, written complaint to nursing home management.

All care providers are required to have a complaints procedure and if the home your mother is in is a HSE facility, you can use the Your Service Your Say form on hse.ie to make a complaint.

I wish you and your mother well and hope you get a satisfactory response from those charged with her care.

Do you have a problem you would like to share? If so, write in confidence to: Dear Miriam, Agony Aunt, Irish Country Living, Irish Farmers Journal, Irish Farm Centre, Bluebell, Dublin 12, or email miriam@farmersjournal.ie