A lesson on how not to do things

My children regularly surprise me. Last week my daughter Julie demonstrated her big heart and her honest, pragmatic nature. Julie and David announced their engagement in August 2014 and their plan to get married in January 2016. Now that the wedding is only three months away, I’m left wondering where all the time has gone.

Julie is organised and has all the major items in place. One of those was the wedding invitations. Obviously planning a wedding is a stressful time and I want to be as helpful as I can be to Julie. I have only one precious daughter and I want her to enjoy her wedding day as I did mine.

It is one of those days that can carry you through thick and thin; a memory of youth, energy, joy and beauty where you are surrounded by your closest family and friends.

I remember planning my own day and the fun times Mam and I had together visiting hotels, buying material for dresses and so on. She was a rock of support to me at every juncture. I want to do the same for Julie.

I vowed that I would not argue about anything, that I would do Julie’s bidding whenever the opportunity arose, just as my Mam had done for me.

I would accept Julie and David’s decisions no matter what, but I still hoped that I could play a big part in the preparations. Julie had made it clear that she valued my involvement.

INVITATION DRAMA

At Bloom I came across lovely and simple but elegant wedding invitations in the exact colour of Julie’s bridesmaids’ dresses. I brought one home to Julie. She liked it and ran it by David and Tim. When it came to ordering them, she announced that she would be omitting our names from the invitation as there was not enough space on the card.

The invitations would not read “Tim and Katherine O’Leary request the pleasure of ...” Julie works in the area of communication and design and she wanted the invitation to look right. It was a space issue. Knowing how seriously she takes her work and the visual impression of her efforts, I understood. But the language meant everything to me.

To be honest, I was gutted. I tried not to show my reaction. But my daughter knows me too well and the more I lied about my feelings the worse I made the situation. We had a fine row and we said things to each other that were not nice or becoming of either of us.

Of course, we both ended up in tears, wounded and full of regret. I couldn’t believe that I’d let it happen. I’d broken my promise to myself to support Julie no matter what.

That night I tossed and turned in bed. I was appalled at our behaviour. I was also taken aback at how I was more upset about our row than the issue. We had quickly apologised to each other and hugged, but I was raw and I know Julie was too. Time and time again I have preached: “Once the words are out of your mouth you can never take them back.” I had broken my own rule of trying never to hurt people with the words that I use. Language is a powerful tool.

We moved on with everything else as normal and parked the issue of wording on the invitations. It remained the elephant in the room.

Invitations HAVE ARRIVED

Julie is a girl who always wants to do the right thing and she redesigned the wording and sent away the order. Julie would never have intentionally upset me or I her. I was afraid to bring it up again and so avoided the issue completely. On the first day of the Ploughing I got an email from Julie that was titled: “Invites have arrived – I love you x.” It began:“Below is my column for next week... I haven’t sent it in so anything can be changed.”

I knew without reading further that she had changed the invitations to include our names. Julie writes a weekly column in Cork’s Evening Echo. She had written candidly about our disagreement.

It was a beautiful piece and I gave it my blessing easily. I said that I had held back in my column and decided not to write about it. She scolded me: “Mum, don’t be silly, write about it. This is what you and I do, and if we can prevent one other mother and daughter having a similar row it will be worth it.”

Julie is always concerned about people and their relationships. Family is at the core of who we both are. We treasure it, nurture it and value the dynamic enormously. It sustains us when we are busy, tired and in need of a hug.

The end of the tale is that mother and daughter are now firmly back on track, talking ceremony, dresses, flowers and detail. We have decided to enjoy every moment because we both know that we will not get this time back again. Each day matters.

Arguments can ruin occasions and do untold damage to the emotional stability of the people involved. Luckily we both have men who told us to cop on and we came to our senses fast. So now Julie and I are beavering away, determined not to argue again. It’s been a good lesson in how not to do things.

We will savour every moment of the days left in 2015 to get everything in place for Julie and David’s wedding. This is a special time and we want the days to go slowly.