It has often been said that honesty is the best policy. But WB Yeats reminds us: “I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.” Being honest can be a tricky business.

What is the honest answer to the question “what do you think of this”?

It’s one thing saying that you’re not overly keen on the colour or style of a vase, but it’s an entirely different matter if you’re being asked for your opinion on something that is clearly personal and precious to the person.

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Playwright Noel Coward quips: “It’s discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.”

A friend of mine told me about the time she was dating a guy who played in a band. She had a keen interest in all sorts of music and went along to one of his gigs, anticipating an enjoyable evening. It was, in her humble opinion, dreadful. She spent the evening cringing as she knew she’d have to comment or give feedback at the end of the gig.

How could she give honest feedback without insulting or deflating him? She decided to take the tactful route and picked out one or two parts that she liked and finished off by saying that the particular genre of music they played wasn’t really her cup of tea, so she really wasn’t the best person to comment. I thought that sounded wonderful. She picked out what she liked (even if it was only one or two small bits) so she was being honest. And she selflessly took it as a failing on her behalf as to why she may not have enjoyed the music.

Nothing she said could be taken as a personal criticism of him.

So, how was the tactful route received? Not great. He could see she was being tactful and while he was very gracious about it, he couldn’t really hide his disappointment and hurt. Cringe.

But maybe both of them were missing the point a little bit. He looked for feedback on the end product and she felt under pressure not to insult the end product. Neither of them acknowledged the process – the process of playing in the band. Clearly, he enjoyed it and I’m assuming she was delighted that he enjoyed playing in the band. So, really, what’s to comment on? What feedback does he need to get from her? Where is the pressure on her to tread gently?

Mozart alludes to this when he said: “I pay no attention whatever to anybody’s praise or blame. I simply follow my own feelings.”

Easier said than done, no doubt, but worth noting nonetheless.