Question: Our family’s anxiety levels are steadily increasing as the new school year gets underway.

Our eldest of three boys has started secondary school. We strongly suspect he may have ADHD or autism, but we are still waiting for a public assessment and have been told it may not happen until next year.

Unfortunately, private assessments are simply beyond our financial means.

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The transition to secondary school is causing us significant worry because he already struggles with school attendance.

We’ve learned about Emotionally Based School Avoidance (EBSA), where a child avoids school because they find it emotionally overwhelming rather than because they are being defiant, and this description seems to fit our son.

He often finds school stressful and exhausting, and we believe difficulties with attention, sensory sensitivities, social situations, anxiety and emotional regulation may all be playing a role.

We understand that his avoidance is likely a coping mechanism rather than bad behaviour, but as parents we are feeling increasingly helpless and concerned about what lies ahead.

Practical steps

While we wait for an assessment and any formal supports that might follow, what practical steps can we take to help our son cope with the move to secondary school and reduce anxiety for him, his brothers and the rest of the family?

– Anxious mammy, Co Kildare

Dear reader,

Your son is very lucky to have such invested parents who are doing all they can to support him at this difficult stage of life.

Unfortunately, the waiting times for assessments in many parts of the country are leaving a lot of families like yours in limbo, which further heightens the anxiety surrounding the situation you are living through.

My first suggestion would be to have a sit-down meeting with your son’s school principal, year head and any other staff members who may be able to support him in the weeks and months ahead.

You won’t be able to declare any condition you suspect he may have, as they will want an official diagnosis to work with, but you can explain your concerns and share your knowledge of his attention difficulties and need for emotional regulation support.

I would also be concerned about your own anxiety levels, which are, of course, heightened given your son’s difficulties with school attendance

While your son may not yet be entitled to official supports, I would be reasonably confident that school management would rather have this information to work with your son at this early stage.

Many schools offer a buddy mentor programme, where older students, typically in Transition Year, are paired with first-year students to offer friendship and guidance throughout their first year in secondary school.

New chapter

If your son’s school has this programme, it would be a good idea to meet his buddy and explain the situation. This would reassure the older student and could help build a friendship outside school that would give your son extra confidence as he navigates this new chapter in his life.

I would also be concerned about your own anxiety levels, which are, of course, heightened given your son’s difficulties with school attendance.

However, children are very perceptive and, if your son is aware of your concern on any level, it could be feeding into his own worries, which will only exacerbate the situation.

While financial circumstances will dictate the level of support you can access, I would speak to your GP about any free counselling services that may be available to your family, as this situation affects all of you.

Do you have a problem you would like to share? If so, write in confidence to: Dear Miriam, Agony Aunt, Irish Country Living, Irish Farmers Journal, Irish Farm Centre, Bluebell, Dublin 12, or email miriam@farmersjournal.ie