Dear Miriam,

After being single for five years, I recently met a lovely man and things are going really well. I should be on cloud nine, but I’m troubled by my friend’s reaction to the relationship.

She has been single for a long time too, so we would have been each other’s right-hand woman on nights out, sun holidays, shopping trips etc while all our other friends started to settle down. Obviously, she is one of my closest friends and it’s not like I’ve “dumped” her now that I have a man, but I don’t have as much time to spend solely with her as before.

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A while back, I started picking up on “jokey” throwaway remarks she would make, like: “Ah sure, now that you have a boyfriend I’ve been demoted.” But lately, there is more of an edge to her comments. The last day I was telling her what my boyfriend and I did at the weekend, but she started checking her phone, looking around and doing her best to look bored, before blurting out: “God, do you not have anything more interesting to talk about?” I changed the subject, but I was really taken aback by her reaction.

I feel like I’m not even allowed to talk about what is going on in my life in case it upsets her. I have always been there for her, in good times and bad, and hoped that she would be interested in what is going on with my life. I don’t want to reach a point where I find myself having to choose between a man and a friend. I would like to settle down at some stage, get married, have a family etc, and while it is early days, I feel this relationship has the potential to go the distance. I know my friend would like those things too, but it’s not my fault that I have met somebody and she hasn’t. Why can’t she just be happy for me?

Hurt Friend, Cork

Dear Hurt Friend,

While it might be easy to write this off as a classic case of the old green-eyed monster, I suspect that your friend’s behaviour is more to do with the fact that she feels a bit vulnerable and lost at the moment.

Of course, that is not your fault and you should not feel guilty – or be made feel guilty – for having met somebody special. But having been a “twosome” for so long, she is probably just afraid that she is going to lose you to this other person and, unfortunately, is expressing that with catty comments that threaten to undermine your whole friendship.

While it’s easy to get carried away with a new relationship, I think it is always important to keep friends close. You often meet couples who are so consumed with each other that they have no time for anybody else and that’s not healthy – especially if the relationships ends and you find yourself without a shoulder to cry on. Maybe the first thing to do is to make a more conscious effort to make time for your friend, eg plan a nice day/night out or weekend away, which might just help her to see that she is still your best friend and not in any way “threatened”.

That, however, does not mean that you should not be able to talk about what is going on in your life. If the comments do continue, consider addressing it in a gentle way. For example, if she mentions being “demoted”, you could say: “Hardly. Don’t you know you are my best friend, what would I do without you?” It could be just what she needs to hear. But if the edgier comments persist, put the ball in her court by saying: “Is there something you want to talk about?”

Hopefully it is just reassurance she is after and you can deal with it and move on. However, if the issue persists, you need to question whether she is actually the friend you thought she was and if this is a positive relationship to have in your life. If so, a little bit of distance might help you to see things more clearly, but that is another day’s work. I hope that this is just a bump along the road and that you can come through it stronger than ever.

Best of luck.

Correction

In last week’s column, there was an error in the helpline section. The free-call number for The Samaritans is 116123, while they can also be contacted via email on jo@samaritans.org or face to face at any of the 20 offices across Ireland. For Northern Ireland, call 08457 909090.