Question: I would be grateful for your advice. My son, with the influence of his partner, is isolating my daughter by saying he and his partner no longer wish to be present at family events, e.g. birthdays, if my daughter is in attendance. This appears to have come about due to my son’s partner feeling anxious in my daughter’s presence, which was conveyed to us as a family via text message.

Following on from this, my son’s partner requested a meeting with my daughter to try to resolve this issue with anxiety. Despite my daughter feeling the meeting went okay, it appears my son’s partner was not happy with the outcome.

My son then contacted his sister the following morning requesting a meeting with her at his house. My daughter suggested he put his concerns via a message as she was concerned about meeting him in person. This was due to a recent experience with him when he was very intimidating and used abusive language towards her – she was blamed for a grievance his partner had with me for not wishing to attend a gathering organised by my son’s partner. As it turned out, I did attend the event after a discussion with all involved.

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All this discord is creating a real rift in a little family unit and I am at a loss at what is the best way forward.

My son and daughter live in close proximity to each other near my own home and sadly, my little grandchild is not allowed to see her aunt as the situation currently stands.

– A worried mother

Dear reader,

Family fallouts can be very difficult to manage and, in your situation, being the mother of two siblings who are at odds, albeit the issue being primarily between your daughter and your son’s partner, makes it even tougher.

From reading your letter, I think there are too many voices involved in the dispute for you to play an active role in its resolution.

Likewise, despite the fact the two women did try to resolve things between themselves, I don’t feel the input of your son is helping matters.

I would suggest the two women have another meeting, in person, with an independent mediator at hand to encourage open honest discussion and help iron out any issues.

You need to tread carefully if access to a child is being restricted, which is the right of your son and his partner

This clearly cannot be you, as you mention there was a previous grievance concerning an event, but perhaps there is another family relative or close friend who would be considered impartial by all parties?

You need to tread carefully if access to a child is being restricted, which is the right of your son and his partner.

If you’re seen to take sides, as every mother is accused of by her children from time-to-time, I would worry that you may be denied a relationship with your grandchild.

Only your daughter and this other lady know what is at the heart of their dispute and my advice would be to find someone who can convince them both that healthy family relationships are far more important than perceived slights or anxiety.

A clear-the-air conversation, where boundaries may need to be put in place by both parties, should help forge a more peaceful future where you can all live side- by-side in harmony.

Do you have a problem you would like to share? If so, write in confidence to: Dear Miriam, Agony Aunt, Irish Country Living, Irish Farmers Journal, Irish Farm Centre, Bluebell, Dublin 12, or email miriam@farmersjournal.ie