Question: Please help me find a way back to a calm and happy home, which will only happen if I can convince my eldest son to move out.

Don’t get me wrong, I love him dearly, but at 26, I think it’s time he stood on his own two feet. We’ve supported him through five years of college. He is now a qualified pharmacist, and we are very proud of what he has achieved.

But he is impossible to live with. His three younger siblings seem to ignore his selfish ways, and his father blames me for being too soft on him when he was younger. He treats the place like a hotel. He eats all the food, then complains when the fridge is bare. He uses all the hot water and leaves a trail of destruction from the bathroom to his bedroom.

ADVERTISEMENT

He creates tension whenever he is around, as he believes everyone should stand on ceremony for him, and I’m just worn out at this stage.

He went on holiday with his girlfriend at the start of the summer for three weeks, and the difference in the atmosphere in the house was incredible.

We had hoped he would apply for jobs in the nearest city, which might have involved him moving out. However, he announced a fortnight ago that he had accepted a very well-paid job, starting next month, and intends to continue living in the family home.

How can I convince him that moving out and standing on his own two feet is something he needs to do for himself? He won’t even consider giving up a home where he pays no bills and lives like a king. Any advice would be very welcome.

– Worn out mammy, Co Wexford

Dear reader,

The joys of parenting extend well into the years where our children are no longer deemed dependents. Yet the current housing crisis has given way to many families having to entertain adult children under their roofs a lot longer than they would like.

In saying that, if your son has accepted a well-paid job there is no reason why he couldn’t at least look into moving out of the family home.

It sounds like you’re dealing with quite a headstrong young man. Regardless of whether he stays or goes, his current behaviour is unacceptable. I’d also argue that your husband needs to step up and deal with the issue, instead of assigning blame for his son’s behaviour.

You say he likes his home comforts, so perhaps putting a price on some of those might be the first step in a strategic approach to making independent living an attractive option for him.

It sounds like you’re dealing with quite a headstrong young man. Regardless of whether he stays or goes, his current behaviour is unacceptable

First up I would tell him you need him to pay rent if he intends to continue living in your home – especially given his new well-paid job. Be open to negotiation on a fee that is acceptable to you both, but be sure to include bills, along with groceries, given his tendency to consume so much of the family shop. There’s no harm in pointing out the rising costs of goods and services, to counter any of his objections.

You may find the pain of parting with his own money for a situation that he’s enjoyed for free until now, will encourage him to look at other living arrangements, particularly if he is in a relationship that he may want to progress to the next level.

Do you have a problem you would like to share? If so, write in confidence to: Dear Miriam, Agony Aunt, Irish Country Living, Irish Farmers Journal, Irish Farm Centre, Bluebell, Dublin 12, or email miriam@farmersjournal.ie