Question: I work in our family business and feel increasingly torn about the life that comes with it. I’m in my late 20s and what was intended to be a temporary arrangement now feels as though it’s quietly expected to become permanent.

On one hand, I care about my family and want to support them. On the other, the work is all-consuming, with very long hours and little space to step back.

I’ve gone from an independent life with a relationship and social balance, to a situation where almost everything revolves around work. I’ve become much more central to the day-to-day running of the business than I anticipated.

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When I try to express a need for a life outside of work, it is often interpreted as a lack of commitment, rather than a natural desire for independence. What hurts most is the feeling that this work isn’t appreciated. It is as if I’m expected to remain available to my family at all times when I have my own life to live.

I carry a lot of guilt as the expectation is that I should be more grateful and more willing to sacrifice. At the same time, I worry that if nothing changes, I will look back and realise I built a life that supported everyone else’s future but my own.

I feel caught between duty and independence, and I don’t know how to reconcile the two.

How do you know when supporting your family has crossed the line into sacrificing your own future?

Feeling guilty, Co Louth

Dear reader,

Working for or with family members can often lead to stress for both parties, but your letter suggests you are really struggling with the expectations and demands of your current situation.

The biggest red flag in your letter is the fact your concern about expressing a need for work-life balance is met with criticism regarding your loyalty to the family business. This suggests that whoever you are trying to share your worries with simply isn’t listening. I appreciate the stresses that come with business, as will anyone who is trying to run a rural enterprise in the current climate, but that does not give someone the right to dismiss genuine concerns of an employee, regardless of whether or not that person is a family member.

The biggest red flag in your letter is the fact your concern about expressing a need for work-life balance is met with criticism regarding your loyalty to the family business. This suggests that whoever you are trying to share your worries with simply isn’t listening

I don’t think you should acquiesce on this, given how strongly you feel about your right to a life of your own – which is understandable and does not require explanation or permission. The most telling line of your letter is where you say you are caught between duty and independence. I wonder where this sense of duty is coming from and I think if you can answer that question you will find a way to communicate your feelings to those who are trying to question your commitment.

Taking a step towards greater work-life balance is not a lack of commitment. Living a balanced life will make you a happier, more productive member of the business and this is the message you need to convey. Continuing on as you are doesn’t seem the healthiest course of action, so I would suggest you devise a schedule that will allow you greater independence, while still covering the work that needs to be done and share this with your family. Actions often speak louder than words.

Do you have a problem you would like to share? If so, write in confidence to: Dear Miriam, Agony Aunt, Irish Country Living, Irish Farmers Journal, Irish Farm Centre, Bluebell, Dublin 12, or email miriam@farmersjournal.ie