Question: I have never asked anyone for help but I really hope you can give me some advice because I’m struggling to make a pretty big decision.

I really want to go into full-time farming on the family farm, but my family are insisting I go to college to study medicine. I will probably get the points, not being cocky, but I did fairly well in school as I worked very hard. Mam has her heart set on having a doctor in the family and, as the eldest, that dream rests with me.

Dad knows I’d be so much happier working with him, but he agrees with Mam that I need to get a university education. I’ve tried to convince him that I could get a degree in ag, but he won’t go against Mam, who I love dearly, but find very controlling.

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I don’t want to put them through the expense of sending me to medical school either. We live in the south west of the country so the nearest university is a good two-hour drive away and I know that paying for me to live away will be a challenge. I’ve tried to talk to Mam but she keeps dismissing me, telling me she never had these opportunities and that I should be grateful. She also seems to think that I’m mad, as a young woman, wanting to tie myself to a farm. What can I do to convince her that medical school is not for me? I don’t want to hurt her, but I don’t want to live my life on her terms either.

Distressed daughter,

Co Kerry

Dear reader,

Your letter is one of many I get from students who feel their future paths are already decided for them by their parents. It’s a challenging time for you for sure, with your Leaving Cert results only a few weeks away now. But the added stress of disappointing your parents by choosing your own path in life, is clearly getting you down. First of all, this is your life. Not your mother’s nor your father’s. That fact needs to be made very clear, regardless of any attempts to dismiss your preferences for which third level course you pursue.

You do not have to ask their permission to study the course of your choice

I suggest you speak with both of your parents and, the sooner, the better. I understand you have tried this before with your mother but perhaps make it more formal – ask them both to sit down and give you the opportunity to say what you need to say without being interrupted.

You do not have to ask their permission to study the course of your choice. My only fear is that if you have already listed medical courses on the CAO form, you could be hamstrung in the compromise of an Ag Science degree.

If this is the case, perhaps consider taking a year out. The past two years will undoubtedly have been hard and a break from the books will help you gain perspective on what future you want to pursue.

This gives you time to tease out whether farming really is your future, or if you would fare better going down a different route. Your mother will likely be taken aback by this and may well try to push back on it. If she does, allow her space and time to process your decision. But remain strong in the message that this is your life and only you can decide what path to take.

Do you have a problem you would like to share? If so, write in confidence to: Dear Miriam, Agony Aunt, Irish Country Living, Irish Farmers Journal, Irish Farm Centre, Bluebell, Dublin 12, or email miriam@farmersjournal.ie