Question: I was surprised by the backlash to the recent advert from the ‘We-Consent’ campaign encouraging grandparents and other relatives to ask before hugging children. As the parent of neurodivergent children, I found the message helpful and reassuring.
My children love their grandparents, but they don’t always enjoy physical affection. Hugs can sometimes feel overwhelming, yet some relatives struggle to understand this and take it personally when a hug is refused. Refusing physical contact is not rejecting the person.
To me, the advert was not about painting grandparents as a problem. It was about teaching children that they have a say over their own bodies and that affection should never be forced or expected.
The lesson that ‘no’ matters is just as important within families as it is elsewhere. Who better to teach our children this lesson than the people we love and trust?
If children can tell the people they love that they do not want to be hugged, kissed, or tickled, they learn from an early age that boundaries are healthy and that they have a right to set them.
Am I missing something, or has much of the criticism overlooked the experiences of children who find physical contact difficult, and of the parents trying to advocate for them?
Yours,
AnnMarie Walsh, Athy, Co Kildare
Dear reader,
I believe the sentiment of this campaign is precisely as you describe, but it seems the message was lost in translation, as some people interpreted the advert as suggesting grandparents who smothered their grandchildren with physical affection were ‘overstepping’ their role. The reality is that not everyone likes to be hugged. I have plenty of adult friends who recoil when confronted with public displays of affection. In the case of young children, neurodivergent or otherwise, who are not comfortable with physical affection, it might be an idea for their parents to have a gentle conversation with their grandparents to explain this reality and encourage some restraint or even an alternative way of showing love.
Grandparents love their precious grandchildren who they get to spoil while not having to shoulder the everyday, practical responsibility of rearing them.
But that enthusiasm and passion can, in some situations, be too overwhelming for children to process.
My interpretation of the ad was that teaching children the importance of setting boundaries should begin at an early age, and that these boundaries should be framed as healthy for everyone involved.
The video was subsequently removed despite a statement issued by the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre explaining the reasoning behind it.
The video came about from direct feedback from young people who took part in a series of workshops, where the situation depicted in the advert was highlighted as an issue by children of all ages.
While some people took issue with the advert’s messaging, the experiences described by the young people who informed the campaign deserve careful consideration.
It is the most natural thing in the world to want to shower young children with hugs and kisses.
However, most grandparents I know would be devastated to know their cuddles feel unsafe or uncomfortable. But ‘no means no’, and helping children to develop the confidence to say it and establish boundaries is a message that we should all be keen to support across the generations.
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