I was going to get found out sooner or later I suppose. Deirdre arrived in and I knew from the look of her that she had an agenda.

“How are you getting on with the Tablet Mam?"

“Grand. You’ll have a sup of tea will you? I got grand scones in the new bakery, although they know how to charge in there I can tell you. Are they getting the flour from Hollywood or what?”

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“What kind of Apps are you using? Are you using the player?”

“Apps – oh I have Apps to bate the band.”

“You’re such a liar Mam. Where is it? Is it still in its box?”

“A LIAR! Is that what you’re callng me after I brought you into this world and babysit your children and ... Ah I can’t get it to work.”

“I knew this would happen. I’ll get it going for you.”

Deirdre disappeared off upstairs then and I could hear her rooting around. I wish she wouldn’t do that. I can never find anything after she’s been "tidying". The next thing I heard was:

“AH MAMMY! You still have the wrapping paper on it!”

I never asked for the Tablet. There’s enough tablets on the go in this house what with Himself’s indigestion but I didn’t want to sound ungrateful. I’d have been just as happy with a book or a voucher for Christmas. What money they must have spent on it, although Deirdre said it was a Lidl one.

The tablet

She came back, all business-like.

“Sit down here with me mam.”

I knew she wouldn’t be persuaded otherwise and I thought I might as well just grin and bear it. I was hoping she’d be interrupted by the phone. What traffic doesn’t go through that girl’s phone. Between the under-14s and the Choir, she’s like Miriam O’Callaghan she’s so busy.

“I’m going to switch off my phone now so we’ll get some quality time on this.”

That was my fate sealed. I got out my glasses and sat down next to Deirdre.

Well between the jigs and the reels we sat down and do you know something? It wasn’t that hard after all. Once I got the hang of there being no buttons. Deirdre got the Facebook going and I finally got to see the photos from Sarah Gallagher’s wedding. I had been dying to see them. Especially since that was a wedding we should have been invited to because they were at Deirdre’s, but I. Never. Said. A. Word. About it.

It must have been a slip up because Tessie Gallagher could hardly look me in the eye when I met her at the shop. We sent them a present anyway just to rub their noses in it. I was glad to get rid of that lamp, to tell the truth.

Skype

Then we "Skyped" That Boy at college. Oh! That was revealing I can tell you.

“You stay out of shot now Mam ... Hello Patrick,” said Deirdre, winking at me as she pressed the phone button.

“Deirdre, how’re you?”

“Throw on the video there Pat.”

There was a bit of pause and then I saw him, bold as brass sitting on the couch and he supposed to be “up to his ears in it” in the library. He still couldn’t see me. Twas gas! Like when I’d be watching him out the window onto the lawn when he was a small lad up to no good, poking around with a stick or annoying the cat.

“How’s the study going Patrick, who’s there with you? That doesn’t look like the library.” Deirdre’s some piece of work. I don’t know where she learned to be so devious. She didn’t get it from her father anyway, Godbless'im.

“Nah we’re just doing some group project work here at Lampy’s gaff.”

“Group project work! Gowayouttathat, ya flute!”

“I’m hurt Deirdre, you’re so cynical.”

But just as he says that, there’s the sound of a can being opened and there’s shouting in the background. I hear this voice from a telly saying: “You know not the things in which you meddle, Assassin. I spare you only that you may return to your master and deliver a message.”

“Patrick, it’s me, Mammy. You look under fierce stress altogether. Playing them computer games. Is that the way ye study now for Biochemistry exams? Lampy must be a fierce innovator in education.”

"Ah for feck sake, Deirdre! That’s entrapment! What are you dong on Skype, Mammy?"

“I’m watching you bucko – like an Assassin.”

This Tablet might be some use after all.