Myself and my husband have had a very long journey to become parents and it has not been easy. We now have two small children, who we absolutely adore. I also have a great career, which I enjoy and get so much fulfilment from.
However, I’m starting to get resentful of the fact that I may have to choose between the two.
My husband refuses to even discuss the idea of shared paternity leave as I prepare to return to work after the birth of our second child earlier this year. I’ve been accused of being selfish and told it’s a mother’s job to be with her kids. To make matters worse, we can’t find a full-time place in a crèche anywhere near our home and my parents live abroad.
My husband has a very good job and is farming part-time with his father. His parents are elderly and wouldn’t manage the kids at this age, so I don’t even want to ask them as I know it would be too much.
Now, my husband has say he thinks it’s for the best for me to take a career break, until we get them to school. I’m so angry, confused and hurt. How do I get my point across without being made to feel like I’m putting myself before my family?
– A furious wife and mother, Co Laois
Dear reader,
You are being placed in a very difficult situation by your husband and you are right to feel all the emotions you describe.
Families all over the country are dealing with the same challenges as you are right now in terms of finding a childcare place for their children.
Sit down together to devise a plan that will limit the impact any leave will have on either of your careers
With more and more centres closing down and fewer childminders offering their services, it’s an impossible situation for thousands of people, many of whom are forced to leave their jobs.
But the fact the majority of those leaving the workforce are women – because unfortunately yours is not the only husband to hold this mindset – it means female career progression is being unfairly hindered.
You are right to look into the parental leave entitlements, both you and your husband have. Sit down together to devise a plan that will limit the impact any leave will have on either of your careers.
Your children will be this young for a very short time and while I’m not suggesting you suck this up, I believe you need to explain things in a more detached way to your husband who has to realise this is his problem, every bit as much as yours. You run the risk of this resentment festering over the long term and potentially causing a lot of difficulty in your marriage.
In relation to the gentleman who sought advice on signing his house and farm over if he wanted to stay living in the home (Irish Country Living, issue of 30 August), I would like to advise him to visit a tax consultant before he goes to a solicitor. Tax consultants advise and also prepare the contents of the will and forward it to a solicitor of your choice on your behalf.
This is all done after excellent tax advice and explaining about the Right of Residence for life in the event of a transfer.
Best of luck and rest assured with correct advice all will work out very well for you all.
– Kind regards, A Munster Reader
Do you have a problem you would like to share? If so, write in confidence to: Dear Miriam, Agony Aunt, Irish Country Living, Irish Farmers Journal, Irish Farm Centre, Bluebell, Dublin 12, or email miriam@farmersjournal.ie
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