By the end of it, it was like an episode of Who Do You Think You Are?

I love my mother and niece Freya but the night filling out the census was not the night to have them in the same house. But, of course, my sister Geraldine was off gallivanting again. I don’t know how she managed to get mixed up in it but she’s vegan now. Where she’s getting the money I don’t know, but if she came home a Scientologist it wouldn’t surprise me. At least they’d put manners on her.

I thought I was fine and smart filling the census out earlier when no one was bothering me. But no. That would be too straightforward for Ann Devine. Nothing but the contrary life for me.

“Can I have a look at the census, Auntie Ann?” asked Freya.

“Shur what do you want to have a look for, Freya?”

“I just want to see. We have to do a report on it for citizenship class.”

“Citizenship class?”

“Yeah, for transition year.”

“Does anyone do normal subjects any more? Gwan so, have a look but keep it down.”

Mam was still watching the news.

“Awful about what’s going on isn’t it?”

“Where, Mam?”

“Ah just in the world, they’re all gone mad out foreign. And then they’ll be coming over here and shur we won’t know them at all. Before we know it, we’ll all have to be speaking foreign languages or you won’t get your pension.”

I’d normally stop Mam when she goes on like this, especially when Freya’s around, just because we’d be going on about it all night and it would spoil Coronation Street. But I thought I’d let her go on to try and distract Freya from the census.

But no good.

“Auntie Ann! I knew you’d do that. I’m not Catholic. I wasn’t the last time either but mam put it down. And she’s a Buddhist or something. It’s weird.”

“You were quick enough to get your confirmation though. I didn’t see you handing the money back for that. Fine and happy you were to go around on the bicycle.”

“That’s different. That was peer pressure. Put me down as no religion.”

“Will you whisht!”

“We shouldn’t be pretending.”

“Listen to me now, Freya – haven’t I backed you all the way in lots of things over the last while, between your feminist collective thing and your milk quota protest song and the whole lot. Do me one favour and say nothing about this till we get it out the door. It’s hard enough dealing with your nan without bringing religion into it.”

“What are ye muttering about?”

Too late. Mam was interested now.

“Nothing, mam. Just filling out the census.”

“Oh that thing. And that’s more of it. They were going on the radio. Some one of them pagans telling everybody to put down no religion. All of these communists all over the radio. How come they all get on it and then you’d never hear sight nor sound of a priest. There used to be grand priests on the telly before on Radharc. And they’d be out making a documentary in Africa and the African lads would be dancing around. They were grand priests and they were great singers. But that oul American wan got poor Bishop Casey into trouble and shur the whole thing was never the same since.”

I think she was getting a bit mixed up, but it was enough to set Freya off.

“They’re only saying people shouldn’t be lying, nana. I’m changing it to no religion for me.”

“What! Ann, what kind of child have you reared?”

“She’s not my child at all, mam. She’s Geraldine’s.”

“Ah shur Geraldine was never going to be doing any rearing. Too flighty.”

“Nana! Don’t talk like that about mammy.”

This was getting like Eastenders now with all the raised voices. I half-expected oul Phil Mitchell to come through the wall with a digger.

Instead it was my son Patrick who came through the door. I wasn’t expecting him. He was supposed to be staying over with Lampy for some sort of “Study Council of War”. The two of them are panicking about the exams – better late than never.

“What’s going on here?”

“The whole family has gone to pot is what’s going on.”

I was afraid my mother was going to take a turn.

“Is this over the census?”

In fairness to Patrick, he might be about to fail the repeats but he’s sharp enough.”

“It is, Patrick. This pair here – she points at ME – are destroying the religion this family has had for generations.”

“But shur wasn’t your grandmother a protestant, nana?”

He was out with the laptop looking up the census from 1901. And there it was: “Mona Geraghty, Culbower, Glenscreagh – Church of Ireland.”

There wasn’t a peep out of Mam for the rest of the night. I got to watch Coronation street after all.