Question: I’m so worried about my best friend, who I’ve known since we were in primary school and has been like a sister to me. The last few months have seen her pull back from

our friendship, and I think it’s down to her partner, who is new on the scene.

This isn’t about me being jealous of a new relationship. I’m really concerned she’s may be in a controlling or abusive relationship with this man who moved in with her very soon after they started dating. I’ve met him a few times out in town, but anytime I offer to call over to her place she comes up with an excuse as to why it doesn’t suit. I’m fairly certain he’s the reason I’m no longer welcome in her home.

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We met for coffee last week, just the two of us, and I noticed bruising on her wrist. It looked like someone had hurt her, but she insisted it was nothing. Then her phone rang, and it was him, and all of a sudden, she had to leave.

I have tried to pretend I like him, but he’s too sweet to be wholesome when we meet. I think he’s afraid that she will confide in me about what’s going on. This at least, would explain why she’s pulled away from our friendship.

But my bigger worry is what she may be going through.

How do I help her? I’m afraid to ask her straight out as it might cost me our friendship if I’m wrong. But I don’t think I am and I want to support her to get out of what is definitely an unhealthy relationship.

Niamh, Munster

Dear reader,

You are not being jealous for being concerned for your friend’s welfare. Your longer letter goes into more detail about the changes in your friend’s overall behaviour since she met this man, so I think you’re right to be worried.

So many people feel trapped in relationships they know aren’t healthy, but it can take time for them to accept that they don’t have to remain with someone who treats them badly or inflicts abuse.

She has known you for a very long time so she knows she can trust you. When your friend is ready to confide, she will need your support if she decides to end the relationship

The advice from all domestic abuse support organisations for friends or relatives of victims of violence within a relationship, is to keep communication open. It can be very hard for those being abused to share their experience, as saying it out loud makes it all very real. Yet being there to listen is the most vital support you can offer right now.

So, keep calling and texting and inviting her for coffee.

And where possible try to accept any invitation she offers to meet up. She has known you for a very long time so she knows she can trust you. When your friend is ready to confide, she will need your support if she decides to end the relationship.

But be prepared for the fact she may not want to leave, and in that case, be careful not to judge. You don’t know the dynamics of the relationship, which may well be unhealthy, but it is her choice at the end of the day.

It may be helpful to research local support organisations in your area so that if needed you can give her phone numbers of groups she may wish to engage with, if she so decides.

Do you have a problem you would like to share? If so, write in confidence to: Dear Miriam, Agony Aunt, Irish Country Living, Irish Farmers Journal, Irish Farm Centre, Bluebell, Dublin 12, or email miriam@farmersjournal.ie