Question: My husband and I have been happily married for 15 years, and we have three young children. We always said that we’d stop at three and that he would have a vasectomy, as I found the pregnancies hard and the births even harder. I also struggled with postpartum depression, and we both work full time. To be honest, I’m shattered most of the time anyway and don’t want to start again.

However, my husband is now backtracking on the vasectomy and I’m raging. He says he’s scared of the pain and can’t bring himself to make an appointment for a consultation, even though I’ve told him I would be there with him.

I feel let down by him, as I’ve already done the heavy lifting with my body by giving birth to three beautiful children, so I find it hard not to laugh in his face when he talks about pain. We haven’t had sex in over a year because of this, as I’m terrified of getting pregnant again.

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What am I supposed to do? I love him dearly, but I feel that he is being unreasonable. I’ve put my body through enough. Surely he could do this one thing?

- Tired and angry

Dear reader,

Firstly, I want to acknowledge why you are feeling so angry and let down. You went through three difficult pregnancies and births, struggled with postpartum depression and, by your own account, are exhausted from managing family life and work. Given that you and your husband had agreed that your family was complete and that he would have a vasectomy, it is understandable that you feel frustrated and disappointed that he is now having second thoughts.

Maybe he is unwilling to have a vasectomy not because he is selfish, but because he is a bit squeamish and reluctant to deal with it, or because he mistakenly fears it will make him ‘less of a man’ or that he won’t be able to perform.

Ideally, he should talk to his GP, as it sounds like he may have concerns about the procedure that could be addressed with more information.

There are more modern techniques, such as the non-scalpel, no-needle vasectomy, which can reduce discomfort and generally involve faster healing and minimal downtime compared with traditional methods. The procedure itself is relatively quick and is often completed in around 15 to 30 minutes.

Maybe he is unwilling to have a vasectomy not because he is selfish, but because he is a bit squeamish and reluctant to deal with it, or because he mistakenly fears it will make him ‘less of a man’ or that he won’t be able to perform

Most men report little or no pain during the procedure once the anaesthetic has taken effect, although individual experiences vary. What patients typically feel is movement or pressure rather than pain.

Afterwards, many men describe the discomfort as mild and manageable with over-the-counter pain relief. Many feel largely recovered within a few days, although some bruising, swelling or discomfort can last longer, and recovery times vary from person to person.

While I understand why you feel this responsibility should not fall on you again, I don’t believe either of you will benefit from turning this into a battle about who has sacrificed more. A calm conversation, backed up by accurate medical information, may help you both move forward.

I hope this information helps and that you can both find a way to meet in the middle.

Do you have a problem you would like to share? If so, write in confidence to: Dear Miriam, Agony Aunt, Irish Country Living, Irish Farmers Journal, Irish Farm Centre, Bluebell, Dublin 12, or email miriam@farmersjournal.ie