A new year is the perfect time to propose a few new laws. I’m not talking about constitutional changes here, no I’m talking about addressing really important issues such as the continued discrimination against tea drinkers, and teaching the basics of the ‘wave from the steering wheel greeting’ to all citizens. I’d like to propose a few essential statutes for the good of the country.
1. The Tea Equality Act: we tea drinkers deserve to be treated with the same respect as coffee drinkers. Everywhere you go it’s flat whites, lattes, cappuccinos, macchiatos, and Americanos. Despite the fact that Ireland has been ranked second in the world for our tea consumption, the only option we are offered is small, medium or large. Just to note the report determined that the average Irish person drinks four to six cups a day. I do like being above-average.
Under the Tea Equality Act, every establishment selling fancy coffees must offer the following to tea drinkers.
1. Proper, non-leaking teapots. 2. Fully boiled water to make the tea. 3. Cold milk. 4. High quality tea bags for take away and loose leaf tea for dining in. Failure to comply will result in the café being sentenced to two full days of training with Lyons and Barry’s. Participants will have to pass a written and taste test.
2. The Petrol Pump Offenders Act: a severe penalty must be introduced for those who treat petrol pumps as parking spaces while they nip inside “for just a minute”. As we sit there for 20 minutes waiting to get close to a pump they emerge with a breakfast roll, a large mineral and a bag of Taytos.
The punishment? First offence: the culprit must stand at the pumps wearing a high-vis vest labelled “I am the eejit who made you late.”
Second offence: they are banned from buying food at any service station for six months.
3. The National Language of Gesture Greeting: across rural Ireland, we have long relied on a complex system of vehicular communications: ‘the single-finger steering-wheel lift’, the ‘full palm raise’, the ‘chin nod’, the ‘smile-and-squint combo’, and the ‘I-don’t-know-you-but-I’ll-wave-anyway’.
Tea would regain its rightful throne, petrol pumps would flow freely, strangers would acknowledge each other with State-mandated grace, and we would finally be a nation that takes itself just seriously enough – but never too seriously. The craic must be protected at all costs.
It is time to recognise this language as our third official language.
All citizens must learn to greet oncoming drivers with the appropriate regional gesture. This will be taught in schools – with desktop steering wheels, of course. There will be an additional module for those in Leaving Cert on ‘how to interpret the flash of headlights’.
Urban residents may apply for exemptions, provided they can demonstrate that they have at least once waved at someone who let them out of a side road.
4. The Weather Small Talk Standardisation Act: we spend roughly 40% of our waking lives discussing the weather. Yet there are no formal rules governing the structure of weather-based conversation.
This act will require that all opening lines include one of the following: “Great drying out”, “Soft day” or “It’s a dirty auld day alright”.
All weather chat must escalate within three sentences to a discussion on what an orange warning really means and how the weather only makes the news if it’s raining in Dublin. At least one participant is obliged to say, “It’s fierce close”.
5. The Protection of those with Notions Bill: we need to protect people with notions in Ireland. They remind us that we need to embrace flat whites as well as flat caps, Tayto sandwiches and tapas served on miniature slates, and scarfs worn for style not warmth. This bill will stop them having to explain what kombucha is.
6. The Grand Stretch Protection Bill: from 1 February it will be illegal not to mention “the grand auld stretch” at least once per week – plus using the #grandauldstretch across social media.
I feel strongly that if the Government acted on even one of these, daily life would improve dramatically. Tea would regain its rightful throne, petrol pumps would flow freely, strangers would acknowledge each other with State-mandated grace, and we would finally be a nation that takes itself just seriously enough – but never too seriously. The craic must be protected at all costs.
A new year is the perfect time to propose a few new laws. I’m not talking about constitutional changes here, no I’m talking about addressing really important issues such as the continued discrimination against tea drinkers, and teaching the basics of the ‘wave from the steering wheel greeting’ to all citizens. I’d like to propose a few essential statutes for the good of the country.
1. The Tea Equality Act: we tea drinkers deserve to be treated with the same respect as coffee drinkers. Everywhere you go it’s flat whites, lattes, cappuccinos, macchiatos, and Americanos. Despite the fact that Ireland has been ranked second in the world for our tea consumption, the only option we are offered is small, medium or large. Just to note the report determined that the average Irish person drinks four to six cups a day. I do like being above-average.
Under the Tea Equality Act, every establishment selling fancy coffees must offer the following to tea drinkers.
1. Proper, non-leaking teapots. 2. Fully boiled water to make the tea. 3. Cold milk. 4. High quality tea bags for take away and loose leaf tea for dining in. Failure to comply will result in the café being sentenced to two full days of training with Lyons and Barry’s. Participants will have to pass a written and taste test.
2. The Petrol Pump Offenders Act: a severe penalty must be introduced for those who treat petrol pumps as parking spaces while they nip inside “for just a minute”. As we sit there for 20 minutes waiting to get close to a pump they emerge with a breakfast roll, a large mineral and a bag of Taytos.
The punishment? First offence: the culprit must stand at the pumps wearing a high-vis vest labelled “I am the eejit who made you late.”
Second offence: they are banned from buying food at any service station for six months.
3. The National Language of Gesture Greeting: across rural Ireland, we have long relied on a complex system of vehicular communications: ‘the single-finger steering-wheel lift’, the ‘full palm raise’, the ‘chin nod’, the ‘smile-and-squint combo’, and the ‘I-don’t-know-you-but-I’ll-wave-anyway’.
Tea would regain its rightful throne, petrol pumps would flow freely, strangers would acknowledge each other with State-mandated grace, and we would finally be a nation that takes itself just seriously enough – but never too seriously. The craic must be protected at all costs.
It is time to recognise this language as our third official language.
All citizens must learn to greet oncoming drivers with the appropriate regional gesture. This will be taught in schools – with desktop steering wheels, of course. There will be an additional module for those in Leaving Cert on ‘how to interpret the flash of headlights’.
Urban residents may apply for exemptions, provided they can demonstrate that they have at least once waved at someone who let them out of a side road.
4. The Weather Small Talk Standardisation Act: we spend roughly 40% of our waking lives discussing the weather. Yet there are no formal rules governing the structure of weather-based conversation.
This act will require that all opening lines include one of the following: “Great drying out”, “Soft day” or “It’s a dirty auld day alright”.
All weather chat must escalate within three sentences to a discussion on what an orange warning really means and how the weather only makes the news if it’s raining in Dublin. At least one participant is obliged to say, “It’s fierce close”.
5. The Protection of those with Notions Bill: we need to protect people with notions in Ireland. They remind us that we need to embrace flat whites as well as flat caps, Tayto sandwiches and tapas served on miniature slates, and scarfs worn for style not warmth. This bill will stop them having to explain what kombucha is.
6. The Grand Stretch Protection Bill: from 1 February it will be illegal not to mention “the grand auld stretch” at least once per week – plus using the #grandauldstretch across social media.
I feel strongly that if the Government acted on even one of these, daily life would improve dramatically. Tea would regain its rightful throne, petrol pumps would flow freely, strangers would acknowledge each other with State-mandated grace, and we would finally be a nation that takes itself just seriously enough – but never too seriously. The craic must be protected at all costs.
SHARING OPTIONS