I am a bit paranoid about greasing and grease guns. I like machines to be kept properly greased and I excitedly treat the discovery of a previously unknown grease nipple as David Attenborough would an entire new plant species.

But it is grease guns which cause me grief. Most of them are detestable things, however the arrival of the 400g grease cartridge maybe 40 years ago was a welcome step forward, but it retained the curse o’jaysus plunger.

When greasing a particularly awkward nipple, the grease flow would suddenly stop and you would manically pump the farting grease gun like billy-o, but to no good. You would then loosen the bleed screw and grease would squirt out uncontrollably like a curry-fed terrier doing a poo.

There are, in farmyards all over the country, grease cartridges stuck in trees and gutters and wilfully-damaged grease guns flattened into pancakes after being driven across

Now properly annoyed with hands and clothes plastered in grease, you would unscrew the still half-full cartridge and very irately fling it up on a roof, hopefully never to be seen again. There are, in farmyards all over the country, grease cartridges stuck in trees and gutters and wilfully-damaged grease guns flattened into pancakes after being driven across.

Some of the cheaper cartridges would have so much air in them that a deep-sea diver could strap a couple on his back and descend to the Titanic for half a day.

After that, there would be a risk that he just might get a shot of grease down his lungs.

The arrival of the Fuch

About 15 years ago, the Germans developed a grease gun with a rather rude-sounding name, Fuchs. But I did give a Fuch a chance as they are a massive improvement. With screw-on 500g cartridges and no curse o’jaysus plunger, greasing actually becomes a pleasure.

With the advent of the Fuchs, a clatter of new and improved grease nipple couplers came on the market. With the gun so improved, the couplers became the weakest link. But I can’t single out any one, as all of the ones I’ve tried have their failings.

I was practically buying a new Milwaukee battery-operated tool every week

Some connect solidly without grease p***ing out the side, but then you probably cannot pull it off the nipple. Once more, I become petulant and snap the grease nipple. I have not found the perfect coupler yet and whoever invents it will be up there with Harry Ferguson and Helmut Claas as God’s gift to agriculture.

As it happens, last summer, I was practically buying a new Milwaukee battery-operated tool every week because I like them so much. In about week six, I bought a Milwaukee grease gun, because two friends, Denis and Spider Baby, told me it was the way to go. I like it, principally because it is effortless and there’s no frantic pumping.

However, it uses the old-type 400g grease cartridge with the same old curse o’jaysus plunger which is a step backwards. But all in all, the Milwaukee gun has made me a happier grease monkey and that’s saying a lot.

With that said, auto greasing systems must be the way forward for most applications, but they’ll never be suitable for greasing Hardy Spicers on PTO shafts.

That is usually a tricky two-man job, only surpassed in awkwardness by replacing the Hardy Spicer itself.

PTO shaft covers

Which brings me conveniently to PTO shaft protective covers, which usually always fail to make greasing easy.

That’s why they become discarded or damaged and thus a safety hazard.

Even if it saved just one serious injury it would be worth it

There is plenty of scope for improvement here – Walterscheid, who must be one of the biggest and most respected names in PTO drive equipment, should take their finger out and make PTO shaft covers much more user-friendly for greasing and thus safer by default.

Even if it saved just one serious injury it would be worth it.