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Dear Miriam,
I have been dating a really nice guy for some time now. He is sweet, intelligent, good company and good fun. The only niggling problem I have with him is that he comes across mean and stingy and he can’t see it.
When we go for dinner, which isn’t that often, I’m worried about the prices on the menu as I know he cringes at the prices or goes on about the price. Sometimes I don’t order what I would like as I’m worried about the bill and might order something cheaper. There is no guarantee that he will pick up the bill. Sometimes he is slow to take the bill and I just pay instead as I’m getting worried about who will eventually pay. He doesn’t put up any fight either when I take the bill. If he was any way cute or interested in a relationship with me, he would pretend he wanted to pay.
He often leaves me go to the bar even though I don’t drink that much. The problem here is my friends’ husbands or boyfriends wouldn’t dream of leaving a lady go to the bar. He often leaves me do all the driving and I seldom get a spin in a nice car.
Money is not actually the object. I have plenty of money and a good job. I feel if this guy was a gentleman or wanted to woo me, he should be picking up the bills most of the time. The problem is when I go to break up this relationship, it really kills me as he is so nice other than this meanness. I want to be treated like my friends’ boyfriends treat them.
I think I would prefer to be single than be with somebody who doesn’t value me.
Munster Reader
Dear Munster Reader,
Thanks for getting in touch. This is an interesting one alright. While this man seems to be the perfect package in many ways – sweet, intelligent, good fun etc – his approach to spending is obviously over-shadowing all of his better qualities for you.
I absolutely agree with you that meanness is never an attractive quality in any person. However, it’s not exactly clear to me if the problem is this man never/rarely puts his hand in his pocket, or if you are upset because he is not “picking up the bills most of the time” and you find yourself paying your own way in the relationship.
If it is the latter, I will be honest; in an age where we are striving for equality between the sexes and where both parties in the relationship are working/earning, I think it is old-fashioned to expect the man to foot the bills when they can be split fairly. Of course, when it comes to a special occasion, like a birthday, it is lovely to be treated to a meal or whisked away for a night; but for most meet-ups, I absolutely believe in both people paying their way, or taking turns. Again, it’s not exactly clear from your letter how often he has paid for dinner etc, but if it has been about 50:50 so far, I think that is fair, and perhaps it is better to measure a potential partner’s worth by their personality, intelligence, sense of humour etc rather than by how much they spend on us.
By the very same token, however, if you find yourself footing the majority of the bills, then that is not right either. I note your comment regarding his tendency to “cringe” or “go on” about the prices, or to let you do the majority of the driving.
If “meanness” is genuinely an issue here, it’s one thing when it’s the occasional meal out; it’s quite another down the line when it comes to planning a future together and making big financial decisions regarding a house, family etc. Even if it’s just a case that you both have different approaches to how you spend your money rather than any perceived character flaw, it’s worth considering whether this will cause tension long term in the relationship?
If your gut is telling you this could well be the case, it might be best to call it a day now; otherwise, it could cost you a lot more down the line, in every sense. Hopefully the points raised here on either side of the debate will help you reach the right decision for yourself. I wish you the best of luck.
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