Farm families feature among those who come to One in Four for help in coping with sexual abuse, Maeve Lewis says.
In 2008, she took over as director of the organisation set up by Colm O’Gorman in 2002.
It took its name from the statistic highlighted in the SAVI report in 2003 that showed that one in four Irish people has been sexually abused.
“The profile of people coming to us has completely changed,” she says. “Now, most people coming to us would have been abused within their own families, by neighbours, people in their community, family friends and so on.
“We can never say that sexual abuse is over in the church, of course, but the church has made big efforts to prevent it now, so we expect that those figures will be lower from now on.”
The concentration on church abuse may actually have created a misleading impression of the reality of sexual abuse statistics, as only 5% of people abused were abused within the church.
“The clients coming to One In Four now reflect the reality much more accurately,” she says.
FOUR-MONTH WAITING LIST BUT
INITIAL MEETING WITHIN WEEKS
At present, there is a waiting list of four months for therapy at One In Four, but anyone who rings will be met within three weeks.
“We’ll know if they are ready for our service or if they are in crisis (suicidal), when they contact us first, which does happen, unfortunately. We can fast track them into services that will help them immediately.”
ABUSE CAN AFFECT ANY FAMILY
But do farm families feature among One in Four clients?
“Yes. It’s really important for people to understand that sexual abuse happens in all sorts of income group families, to boys and girls – there is no one type of family where it happens.”
From a rural background herself, Maeve Lewis appreciates the stigma challenges for farming families where abuse has occurred.
“Very often, if they are living in rural areas, there is the dread that the abuse is going to become widely known in the neighbourhood and the stigma attached to that. Also, when there’s the question of generations of family working on the land and livelihoods involved and so on, it can be enormously difficult to address what has actually happened.
“What’s important, though, is that the current generation of children are kept safe. What we do know from our sex offender programme is that people who sexually abuse will keep offending until they are caught.”
CONNECTION BETWEEN ABUSE
AND LIFE STRUGGLES
Very often, people haven’t made the connection between their struggles now as an adult and what happened to them as a child, she adds.
“It’s a difficult journey. A lot in that situation will be very depressed. They may have developed an alcohol problem to cope with the distress, or have developed relationship problems. They could be worried about their own parenting, too. Typically, a person will work with us for 18 months to two years to come to terms with what has happened, seeing a therapist one hour a week. What we offer is expert help.”
IMPACT ON REST OF FAMILY IS HUGE
Family members are offered support as well at One in Four.
“That’s because if sexual abuse has happened in a family then it’s going to affect everybody, whether or not they were abused. We’ve had many families from a farming background attending for that sort of support, who’ve come to very successfully understand what needs to happen now to make sure that the next generation of children are safe.”
A programme for offenders, the Phoenix programme, is also run by One In Four.
“Very often, the offenders find it very difficult to acknowledge the harm they have caused and need a lot of interventions and support to get to a point where they can really take on board what they’ve done.”
TO THE GARDAí OR NOT?
Do survivors of abuse want to go to the gardaí usually?
“Most don’t and they don’t have to,” she says, “but we would have to notify child protection services (if there is any risk to a child).”
VERY COMPLEX SITUATION
It can be very difficult for a mother to understand that her husband has sexually abused their child or children, Maeve Lewis says.
“Also, fairly typically, we would meet people where it is an older brother who has abused younger children.
“Very often we find the parents are very torn between wanting to support the survivor yet loving and wanting to find the best help for the abuser. It could be an aunt or uncle or grandfather who has been abusing also. Dealing with these situations is never clean and easy.
“Offenders are human beings as well though, and most of the offenders attending here are people who have experienced a lot of adversity themselves – but they have to take responsibility for what they’ve done so that they can go on to live lives that are safe from harming others.”
FAMILIES FRACTURE IF THERE IS DISBELIEF
Family support is really important – to face what has happened, she states.
“There can be a way forward, it doesn’t have to be the end of things. Where families really fracture is where there is disbelief and some family members supporting the survivor and some not. Sex offenders are so good at manipulating situations. They are often very charming people, good at convincing people they’ve done nothing.”
PORNOGRAPHY HAS INCREASED ABUSE
Increased access to pornography has increased the incidence of sexual abuse, she says.
“For the last few years, we’ve been running programmes for young offenders – those aged 18 to 25 – and we know for a fact that every single one of them began offending by getting involved in looking at porn at the time of puberty or earlier, becoming sexualised by those images, then going on to act out on that and abuse younger siblings.
“It is incredibly dangerous, at the more minor level, to be looking at pornographic images. It increases what are unnatural views about what is normal sexuality and, particularly, in relation to how young men look at women.
“It is a huge challenge, for parents, for schools – for society.”
ADVICE FOR PARENTS ABOUT PREVENTING SEXUAL ABUSE
Talk to your children from an early age about sex, sexuality and loving relationships.Really keep that conversation open and growing as the child grows up.Alert them to the dangers of porn and try to be as open as possible.“I know it can be difficult and embarrassing for parents, and I think it would be appalling if parents were looking with suspicion at every teenage child, but talking is so important. Talk to your children at an age-appropriate level about what’s okay and what’s not okay.
“Very often, the offender will have spent time with the child and given them treats so that when it develops into abuse the child may almost feel complicit in what’s happened and guilty about it and be afraid to tell because they may feel they have done something wrong. That’s why it’s really important that parents get across the message that ‘no matter what has happened that you don’t feel comfortable about, come and tell us’.”
95% of Irish primary schools are now teaching the Stay Safe Programme where they talk about red areas and green areas of the body (inappropriate touches).
Parents, in talking to their children, need to be fairly explicit, she says.
“It is never appropriate that a young girl developing breasts be touched there, for example, neither is it appropriate that children be kissed on the mouth.”
WHAT IF you want TO GO the LEGAL ROUTE
One in Four provides an advocacy service if a survivor wants to report the abuse to the gardaí.
“Obviously, if somebody calls us and tells us of a risk to a child, this has to be notified to Child Protection Services, but after that it’s completely up to the person whether they want to go to the gardaí and/or maybe instigate a civil action. Less than 15% want to go the legal route,” says Maeve Lewis.
“Many want the abuse to stop but they don’t want their father or brother to go to jail. Sometimes people come into therapy and say ‘no’ (to going the legal route) initially but as they become stronger, they decide that they do.”
THERAPY IS PAINFUL BUT TRANSFORMATIVE
Maeve says that while therapy can be transformative: “For the first time in their lives, survivors will have let go a lot of the shame. They will recognise that they didn’t do anything wrong. They will recognise that the difficulties they faced in their lives were in a large part due to the abuse and that they can begin to address those and make different choices now. It’s not that somebody will be able to forget that the abuse happened but that they’ll be able to live and engage with life to its full potential in a way that they never were able before.”
Farm families feature among those who come to One in Four for help in coping with sexual abuse, Maeve Lewis says.
In 2008, she took over as director of the organisation set up by Colm O’Gorman in 2002.
It took its name from the statistic highlighted in the SAVI report in 2003 that showed that one in four Irish people has been sexually abused.
“The profile of people coming to us has completely changed,” she says. “Now, most people coming to us would have been abused within their own families, by neighbours, people in their community, family friends and so on.
“We can never say that sexual abuse is over in the church, of course, but the church has made big efforts to prevent it now, so we expect that those figures will be lower from now on.”
The concentration on church abuse may actually have created a misleading impression of the reality of sexual abuse statistics, as only 5% of people abused were abused within the church.
“The clients coming to One In Four now reflect the reality much more accurately,” she says.
FOUR-MONTH WAITING LIST BUT
INITIAL MEETING WITHIN WEEKS
At present, there is a waiting list of four months for therapy at One In Four, but anyone who rings will be met within three weeks.
“We’ll know if they are ready for our service or if they are in crisis (suicidal), when they contact us first, which does happen, unfortunately. We can fast track them into services that will help them immediately.”
ABUSE CAN AFFECT ANY FAMILY
But do farm families feature among One in Four clients?
“Yes. It’s really important for people to understand that sexual abuse happens in all sorts of income group families, to boys and girls – there is no one type of family where it happens.”
From a rural background herself, Maeve Lewis appreciates the stigma challenges for farming families where abuse has occurred.
“Very often, if they are living in rural areas, there is the dread that the abuse is going to become widely known in the neighbourhood and the stigma attached to that. Also, when there’s the question of generations of family working on the land and livelihoods involved and so on, it can be enormously difficult to address what has actually happened.
“What’s important, though, is that the current generation of children are kept safe. What we do know from our sex offender programme is that people who sexually abuse will keep offending until they are caught.”
CONNECTION BETWEEN ABUSE
AND LIFE STRUGGLES
Very often, people haven’t made the connection between their struggles now as an adult and what happened to them as a child, she adds.
“It’s a difficult journey. A lot in that situation will be very depressed. They may have developed an alcohol problem to cope with the distress, or have developed relationship problems. They could be worried about their own parenting, too. Typically, a person will work with us for 18 months to two years to come to terms with what has happened, seeing a therapist one hour a week. What we offer is expert help.”
IMPACT ON REST OF FAMILY IS HUGE
Family members are offered support as well at One in Four.
“That’s because if sexual abuse has happened in a family then it’s going to affect everybody, whether or not they were abused. We’ve had many families from a farming background attending for that sort of support, who’ve come to very successfully understand what needs to happen now to make sure that the next generation of children are safe.”
A programme for offenders, the Phoenix programme, is also run by One In Four.
“Very often, the offenders find it very difficult to acknowledge the harm they have caused and need a lot of interventions and support to get to a point where they can really take on board what they’ve done.”
TO THE GARDAí OR NOT?
Do survivors of abuse want to go to the gardaí usually?
“Most don’t and they don’t have to,” she says, “but we would have to notify child protection services (if there is any risk to a child).”
VERY COMPLEX SITUATION
It can be very difficult for a mother to understand that her husband has sexually abused their child or children, Maeve Lewis says.
“Also, fairly typically, we would meet people where it is an older brother who has abused younger children.
“Very often we find the parents are very torn between wanting to support the survivor yet loving and wanting to find the best help for the abuser. It could be an aunt or uncle or grandfather who has been abusing also. Dealing with these situations is never clean and easy.
“Offenders are human beings as well though, and most of the offenders attending here are people who have experienced a lot of adversity themselves – but they have to take responsibility for what they’ve done so that they can go on to live lives that are safe from harming others.”
FAMILIES FRACTURE IF THERE IS DISBELIEF
Family support is really important – to face what has happened, she states.
“There can be a way forward, it doesn’t have to be the end of things. Where families really fracture is where there is disbelief and some family members supporting the survivor and some not. Sex offenders are so good at manipulating situations. They are often very charming people, good at convincing people they’ve done nothing.”
PORNOGRAPHY HAS INCREASED ABUSE
Increased access to pornography has increased the incidence of sexual abuse, she says.
“For the last few years, we’ve been running programmes for young offenders – those aged 18 to 25 – and we know for a fact that every single one of them began offending by getting involved in looking at porn at the time of puberty or earlier, becoming sexualised by those images, then going on to act out on that and abuse younger siblings.
“It is incredibly dangerous, at the more minor level, to be looking at pornographic images. It increases what are unnatural views about what is normal sexuality and, particularly, in relation to how young men look at women.
“It is a huge challenge, for parents, for schools – for society.”
ADVICE FOR PARENTS ABOUT PREVENTING SEXUAL ABUSE
Talk to your children from an early age about sex, sexuality and loving relationships.Really keep that conversation open and growing as the child grows up.Alert them to the dangers of porn and try to be as open as possible.“I know it can be difficult and embarrassing for parents, and I think it would be appalling if parents were looking with suspicion at every teenage child, but talking is so important. Talk to your children at an age-appropriate level about what’s okay and what’s not okay.
“Very often, the offender will have spent time with the child and given them treats so that when it develops into abuse the child may almost feel complicit in what’s happened and guilty about it and be afraid to tell because they may feel they have done something wrong. That’s why it’s really important that parents get across the message that ‘no matter what has happened that you don’t feel comfortable about, come and tell us’.”
95% of Irish primary schools are now teaching the Stay Safe Programme where they talk about red areas and green areas of the body (inappropriate touches).
Parents, in talking to their children, need to be fairly explicit, she says.
“It is never appropriate that a young girl developing breasts be touched there, for example, neither is it appropriate that children be kissed on the mouth.”
WHAT IF you want TO GO the LEGAL ROUTE
One in Four provides an advocacy service if a survivor wants to report the abuse to the gardaí.
“Obviously, if somebody calls us and tells us of a risk to a child, this has to be notified to Child Protection Services, but after that it’s completely up to the person whether they want to go to the gardaí and/or maybe instigate a civil action. Less than 15% want to go the legal route,” says Maeve Lewis.
“Many want the abuse to stop but they don’t want their father or brother to go to jail. Sometimes people come into therapy and say ‘no’ (to going the legal route) initially but as they become stronger, they decide that they do.”
THERAPY IS PAINFUL BUT TRANSFORMATIVE
Maeve says that while therapy can be transformative: “For the first time in their lives, survivors will have let go a lot of the shame. They will recognise that they didn’t do anything wrong. They will recognise that the difficulties they faced in their lives were in a large part due to the abuse and that they can begin to address those and make different choices now. It’s not that somebody will be able to forget that the abuse happened but that they’ll be able to live and engage with life to its full potential in a way that they never were able before.”
SHARING OPTIONS