Christmas spirit can easily morph into Christmas stress. This is why Sally O’Reilly, a Cork-based accredited counselling psychologist and psychotherapist, says we should mind ourselves in the middle of all this activity.
“What I see is pressure: pressure to buy; to conform; to be happy; festive, cheerful; to be with people around whom we are uncomfortable; to drink more than is healthy; to eat more than is good for us; … Sadly, Christmas spirit has morphed into Christmas stress – and we are almost accepting of that fact in that we are doing little to change it,” she says.
You’re not alone in feeling stressed, however, and Sally points out that it is important to be aware of, and care about, how we feel. “We shouldn’t dismiss our feelings while at the same time being overwhelmed by them,” she says. Here is her advice related to some hot Christmas topics:
Managing everything
Feeding, hosting, visiting - how do I do it all? “You mightn’t. That’s the reality,” she says. “When we accept the uncertainty around this, we experience less stress. Also, other peoples’ enjoyment is not your responsibility. This might feel alien to you, but it is true now as it is true at all times.”
Family visits
Do I have to visit people I don’t like? “This is the time when we are most likely to spend time with people with whom we are mildly uncomfortable, all the way up to terrified. It’s OK to avoid these people – tradition is simply habit, it’s not a rule.
“If the choice to visit someone is ultimately better for you than to avoid them, then limit your time and set up a reward for yourself afterwards. This will give you something nice to think about while you’re grinning and bearing. Again, though, check if you’re certain that the risk is worth it. Particularly if the person/people are abusive.”
Keeping the children happy
What if I can’t afford to get what the children want? While your children may want the new cool “whatever” this Christmas, you may have to say no if you’re not in a position to provide it, she says.
“Saying no can be hard at the best of times, but here’s the thing: it’s OK – good, even – to say no to children. We are teaching them that ‘wanting’ is not the same as ‘being entitled to’. This is an essential lesson for all little (and large) humans who need to function in a group/society/country. There is no shame.”
She points out that, in 10 years’ time, it is likely that your children won’t remember what you gave them each Christmas or how much it cost. “They will remember the time you spent with them, though, and the atmosphere in your home.”
Sally’s tips if presents for children are a worry:
• Suggest to your extended family that instead of gifts they give small amounts of cash to your children. It teaches your kids about the value of money and it eases your burden.• Consider buying just one device for your kids to share. This might cause friction, but learning to co-operate is part of learning to be a human.Teach children gratitude
When it comes to writing Santa letters, we could do our children a favour by also teaching them lifelong skills like empathy and gratitude, she believes.
“We need to guide them to think of other children less well off than they are, and it’s never too early to teach empathy and gratitude. Children as young as four are perfectly capable of learning empathy. Even younger children can learn to share and to show gratitude.
“A simple addition to a child’s Santa letter might be to ask for something on another’s behalf – a toy or blanket.” Children adding a thank-you note for last year’s gift is a good idea too. “If they can’t remember (and they mightn’t!), they can still write what they’re grateful for today. It’s the being grateful that matters. Our children will soon be responsible for governments, policies, the world … so this Santa training is very important!”
Me-time tips
Sally has some essential me-time tips for those with a heavy workload this Christmas:
1 Put a little gift for yourself under the tree.
2 Arrange time alone, even an hour for a walk. Exercise enhances mood.
3 Call a friend for a chat. Don’t just PM, DM, WhatsApp or email – call or meet and talk. The online world has huge benefits, but it can become an isolating habit.
4 Give something away, volunteer or help another person out. You choose, as long as it doesn’t compromise you.
5 Appreciate what you have. Gratitude enhances mood.
6 Allow yourself to feel sad if that’s how you feel. Christmas is an emotional time, especially if you are grieving, so take care of yourself.
7 Ignore the TV ads. They will bombard you with what you “need” this Christmas. None of it is true. You may choose what you want. What you need is a whole other story – and you can’t buy it from a catalogue.
Dreading Christmas because a loved one has died?
For an article by Sally O’Reilly about coping with grief at Christmas, see her website at www.sallyoreilly.com. CL
Combatting Christmas stress
Shane Martin of www.moodwatchers.com is a psychologist, author and keynote speaker and has this advice for combatting Christmas stress:
CONNECT
Over the Christmas holiday, it’s important to make time to connect with the people we love most. “We are usually so busy that we hardly have time to properly engage with people, but it would be a pity if we all ended up watching television in our own rooms. Social connectivity is linked to greater health and happiness, and the more sociable people on the planet tend to live longer.”
GIVE TO GET BACK
Reaching out to others is important too. “Christmas is about giving. By reaching out to others we can put our own worries into better context. Acts of kindness create a cascade of positive emotions.”
DO what YOU LOVE MOST
During Christmas, it’s important to do the things we love most, he believes. By returning to a long-lost hobby we may ignite a new passion for life in general, for example. “When we do the things we love more often (reading, listening to music, knitting etc) we enter what is known as ‘a state of flow’. Being in flow means being totally engaged, being unaware of time and of our worries and anxieties.”
COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
“In stressful times we need to focus more on all that is right about life as well as all that has gone wrong. Remember also if you have a tendency to be pessimistic you should engage more with optimists.”
SPIRITUALITY
Resilience research has shown that prayer has carried many people through adversity, he says. “It may be the mantra of prayer or an inner-belief/philosophy that you are being looked after, but it is harder to be frightened when holding with such beliefs.
“If you are a Christian, then this is one of the most important seasons in your religious calendar. The true meaning of Christmas has nothing to do with the materialism that is commonly associated with it.”
TAKE TIME TO THINK – BE MINDFUL
“Christmas offers most people a few days off. We all need a little space for ourselves, so a quick walk or jog on the beach or some meditation can reduce stress levels. The practice of mindfulness can have powerful effects too.”
Christmas spirit can easily morph into Christmas stress. This is why Sally O’Reilly, a Cork-based accredited counselling psychologist and psychotherapist, says we should mind ourselves in the middle of all this activity.
“What I see is pressure: pressure to buy; to conform; to be happy; festive, cheerful; to be with people around whom we are uncomfortable; to drink more than is healthy; to eat more than is good for us; … Sadly, Christmas spirit has morphed into Christmas stress – and we are almost accepting of that fact in that we are doing little to change it,” she says.
You’re not alone in feeling stressed, however, and Sally points out that it is important to be aware of, and care about, how we feel. “We shouldn’t dismiss our feelings while at the same time being overwhelmed by them,” she says. Here is her advice related to some hot Christmas topics:
Managing everything
Feeding, hosting, visiting - how do I do it all? “You mightn’t. That’s the reality,” she says. “When we accept the uncertainty around this, we experience less stress. Also, other peoples’ enjoyment is not your responsibility. This might feel alien to you, but it is true now as it is true at all times.”
Family visits
Do I have to visit people I don’t like? “This is the time when we are most likely to spend time with people with whom we are mildly uncomfortable, all the way up to terrified. It’s OK to avoid these people – tradition is simply habit, it’s not a rule.
“If the choice to visit someone is ultimately better for you than to avoid them, then limit your time and set up a reward for yourself afterwards. This will give you something nice to think about while you’re grinning and bearing. Again, though, check if you’re certain that the risk is worth it. Particularly if the person/people are abusive.”
Keeping the children happy
What if I can’t afford to get what the children want? While your children may want the new cool “whatever” this Christmas, you may have to say no if you’re not in a position to provide it, she says.
“Saying no can be hard at the best of times, but here’s the thing: it’s OK – good, even – to say no to children. We are teaching them that ‘wanting’ is not the same as ‘being entitled to’. This is an essential lesson for all little (and large) humans who need to function in a group/society/country. There is no shame.”
She points out that, in 10 years’ time, it is likely that your children won’t remember what you gave them each Christmas or how much it cost. “They will remember the time you spent with them, though, and the atmosphere in your home.”
Sally’s tips if presents for children are a worry:
• Suggest to your extended family that instead of gifts they give small amounts of cash to your children. It teaches your kids about the value of money and it eases your burden.• Consider buying just one device for your kids to share. This might cause friction, but learning to co-operate is part of learning to be a human.Teach children gratitude
When it comes to writing Santa letters, we could do our children a favour by also teaching them lifelong skills like empathy and gratitude, she believes.
“We need to guide them to think of other children less well off than they are, and it’s never too early to teach empathy and gratitude. Children as young as four are perfectly capable of learning empathy. Even younger children can learn to share and to show gratitude.
“A simple addition to a child’s Santa letter might be to ask for something on another’s behalf – a toy or blanket.” Children adding a thank-you note for last year’s gift is a good idea too. “If they can’t remember (and they mightn’t!), they can still write what they’re grateful for today. It’s the being grateful that matters. Our children will soon be responsible for governments, policies, the world … so this Santa training is very important!”
Me-time tips
Sally has some essential me-time tips for those with a heavy workload this Christmas:
1 Put a little gift for yourself under the tree.
2 Arrange time alone, even an hour for a walk. Exercise enhances mood.
3 Call a friend for a chat. Don’t just PM, DM, WhatsApp or email – call or meet and talk. The online world has huge benefits, but it can become an isolating habit.
4 Give something away, volunteer or help another person out. You choose, as long as it doesn’t compromise you.
5 Appreciate what you have. Gratitude enhances mood.
6 Allow yourself to feel sad if that’s how you feel. Christmas is an emotional time, especially if you are grieving, so take care of yourself.
7 Ignore the TV ads. They will bombard you with what you “need” this Christmas. None of it is true. You may choose what you want. What you need is a whole other story – and you can’t buy it from a catalogue.
Dreading Christmas because a loved one has died?
For an article by Sally O’Reilly about coping with grief at Christmas, see her website at www.sallyoreilly.com. CL
Combatting Christmas stress
Shane Martin of www.moodwatchers.com is a psychologist, author and keynote speaker and has this advice for combatting Christmas stress:
CONNECT
Over the Christmas holiday, it’s important to make time to connect with the people we love most. “We are usually so busy that we hardly have time to properly engage with people, but it would be a pity if we all ended up watching television in our own rooms. Social connectivity is linked to greater health and happiness, and the more sociable people on the planet tend to live longer.”
GIVE TO GET BACK
Reaching out to others is important too. “Christmas is about giving. By reaching out to others we can put our own worries into better context. Acts of kindness create a cascade of positive emotions.”
DO what YOU LOVE MOST
During Christmas, it’s important to do the things we love most, he believes. By returning to a long-lost hobby we may ignite a new passion for life in general, for example. “When we do the things we love more often (reading, listening to music, knitting etc) we enter what is known as ‘a state of flow’. Being in flow means being totally engaged, being unaware of time and of our worries and anxieties.”
COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
“In stressful times we need to focus more on all that is right about life as well as all that has gone wrong. Remember also if you have a tendency to be pessimistic you should engage more with optimists.”
SPIRITUALITY
Resilience research has shown that prayer has carried many people through adversity, he says. “It may be the mantra of prayer or an inner-belief/philosophy that you are being looked after, but it is harder to be frightened when holding with such beliefs.
“If you are a Christian, then this is one of the most important seasons in your religious calendar. The true meaning of Christmas has nothing to do with the materialism that is commonly associated with it.”
TAKE TIME TO THINK – BE MINDFUL
“Christmas offers most people a few days off. We all need a little space for ourselves, so a quick walk or jog on the beach or some meditation can reduce stress levels. The practice of mindfulness can have powerful effects too.”
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