Question: I have written to you before about my toxic marriage and, sadly, it’s still no better. However, I’m much stronger now and fully determined to leave.

I would be gone like a shot, but I am afraid that my husband will try to punish me by making life difficult for my second son, who doesn’t want to leave the area even though he is not interested in the farm.

My husband is regularly verbally abusive and constantly insults me and tells me I do nothing, even though I do a lot of work on the farm. I’m always walking on eggshells as I am blamed for everything and made to feel guilty about anything I do for myself.

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I feel I need to stay until my other son, who is 23, moves out and becomes financially independent. But this could take a few more years, which makes me dread the thought of having to stay, though I wouldn’t let on.

I mentioned leaving his father to my younger son, and he told me that he won’t go and that things would get a lot worse for him if I left because he also fears his father.

– Anonymous

Dear reader,

I am very sorry to read that you feel like you are walking on eggshells living with your husband. Life is too short to spend it living under such oppression, and if you have come to a point where you can see yourself leaving, I would encourage you to hold on to this determination and nurture it as much as you can.

This may mean making plans now to facilitate your departure, in terms of finding somewhere to live that is safe and will give you the peace of mind you deserve.

You have one life, and you owe it both to yourself and your sons to do what is right for you. No one deserves to live under constant criticism, be subjected to verbal abuse and be bullied.

Your letter does not mention how old your younger son is, so I’m not sure if he is still a child. Regardless, you cannot let his wishes dictate your own safety and happiness. If anything, you have a duty to show him that you will not tolerate this life and that, while leaving the home will be difficult for you both, it is the only way you will break free from the oppression and abuse you are living with.

There are numerous organisations that offer support to people in your situation, and I would strongly urge you to reach out to any that may be local to your area.

You have one life, and you owe it both to yourself and your sons to do what is right for you. No one deserves to live under constant criticism, be subjected to verbal abuse and be bullied

These people are trained to help victims of domestic abuse process what has happened to them and plan their next steps. No one will tell you what to do. They will simply support you in whatever path you choose and, if that means staying in the marriage for the short term, they will give you practical tools to cope with the situation you’re dealing with.

However, you sound determined to leave your marriage, so please do not let maternal guilt sway you from that mission.Your son may not believe a fresh start is possible, but you have to lead by example and show him that, by choosing yourself over the unhappy marriage you have endured for all these years, you can both live happy, fulfilling lives.

Helpline: The SafeIreland helpline, 1800 341900, is a 24-hour, free and confidential service with information on 38 domestic violence services nationwide.

Do you have a problem you would like to share? If so, write in confidence to: Dear Miriam, Agony Aunt, Irish Country Living, Irish Farmers Journal, Irish Farm Centre, Bluebell, Dublin 12, or email miriam@farmersjournal.ie