Dear Miriam, last week I discovered my husband of over 30 years is sending money to a woman in Poland on a regular basis. I found the Western Union dockets in the pocket of his jeep.

Her husband worked on our farm for a couple of years and I met her a few times when she came over to visit him here in Ireland. However, we had to let him go due to his drinking. His wife is supposed to have divorced him since then.

When I asked my husband about the money orders, he went mad and told me I should not have searched his jeep. He went to tell me that her husband had given him the money to send to her. I don’t believe this. His reaction alone told me he was lying. Her husband drinks every cent he gets.

ADVERTISEMENT

Now I don’t know what to do. I sat in my car for hours the other night, but did not know where to go. My husband never came out to the yard to see where I was. What can I do?

Please help,

Distraught Wife

Dear Distraught Wife, I can only imagine the strain you have been under since finding these dockets in the jeep. It’s not clear from your letter whether it was just a chance discovery or if you already had an inkling that there was something going on and set out to investigate further. Either way, the proof that your husband is sending money on a regular basis to another woman must still have come as a huge shock.

His reaction hasn’t helped the situation either, so it’s no wonder you feel distraught. Even if he is telling the truth, or he’s sending the money because of some misplaced sense of responsibility or guilt for having let her ex-husband go, there are many questions that you need answered.

Obviously, you fear that there is more to this relationship than just money. Though you don’t mention any suspicious texts, calls, internet activity or trips to Poland that might point in that direction. Still, it’s hard not to fear the worst if your husband refuses to talk to you about it. So what can you do?

I think that you must be very clear in communicating that – good or bad – you need to know the truth.

How to get to the bottom of it is another matter. As always, I would recommend a confidential couples’ counselling service like ACCORD (see www.accord.ie or call 01-505-3112 for details of your local centre) which would allow you both to have your say in a calm, secure and safe environment, in the presence of a non-judgmental party.

Hopefully, your husband will see the value in attending, but even if not, I think you would still benefit from individual counselling. You appear to be in a lonely place right now, and I think it would be very helpful to be able to get things off your chest and figure out what it might take to rebuild the trust in your marriage and move forward – if that is what you still want.

Of course, until you know the truth, it’s hard to make that decision. But even taking the worst-case scenario, perhaps your discovery of the dockets is enough of a wake-up call to stop things progressing any further between this woman and your husband, and there can be a way back if he takes responsibility for his actions and works with you to restore your faith in the relationship.

But, ultimately, only you can decide what’s acceptable to you after over 30 years of marriage, and how you foresee your future as a result.

Take your time. Talk to somebody that you trust and be kind to yourself, and, hopefully, you will come to a resolution that’s right for you. I wish you the very best of luck and the happiness and peace of mind that you deserve. CL