My husband keeps his money a secret from me

Dear Miriam,

I would like to respond to the girl who is dating a guy who’s a little on the cheap side. I think she has to make him talk about it and explain how she feels.

I married a man who, before he met me, was well-off and had a beautiful home built. He is caring in his own way but very cheap towards me and our children. I’m working, but on a small wage. My wages cover food, clothes, toys etc. Basically, my husband only pays the mortgage. We have never had joint bank accounts. I have no idea how much he earns, has saved or owes. The savings I had before we met are almost gone.

I insisted he pay half the creche and I pay the other half. I have tried to talk about our finances, but he simply changes the subject. He basically said he provided the house, so be grateful. While I am grateful, I don’t think I’m being treated fairly or nicely. I end up spending practically all my money – he doesn’t.

What’s really thrown me is that his mother let slip that my husband got a big inheritance years ago that he used to build the house and expand the farm. So there is no mortgage. I’m not sure where I stand. I feel lonely and basically like an unpaid housekeeper. I try to stop getting upset over it, but it’s hard. I struggle financially and, to make it worse, people think we’re well off. I’m not far from going to St Vincent de Paul for food. My children are my life. My husband’s not a bad person, but I can see that, in his family, money is all-important. I’m not sure if my situation will ever change, but I think people should talk about finances before they marry. At this point, I don’t care anymore and I think that’s sad. Our relationship is friendly, but intimacy is gone. I don’t feel like his wife.

Anon

Dear Anon,

Thank you for your letter, which I have referred to Tony Moore, a counsellor and psychotherapist with Relationships Ireland, for expert advice. Relationships Ireland can be contacted on 1890-380-380 or www.relationshipsireland.com.

“This is a very tricky and unpleasant situation. Whatever the answer to the mortgage question is, your relationship seems to be in deep trouble. You say there is no intimacy in your relationship. When intimacy is absent, and that situation has not been agreed upon, we are in trouble.

“There is a huge absence of trust in this relationship. You say you have no idea of his income or his outgoings. I know you are married and have children, but how much do you know about this man? Apologies if I seem to be firing a lot of questions at you, but I am at something of a loss as to what you get out of this marriage. A question for both of you is why you, and especially him, got married and why are you still married?

“Unfortunately, too many men focus on their money and too many women focus on their children and the casualty is the adult relationship. We all get the balance wrong now and again, but he seems to have become a bit too obsessed with protecting his money. If his money were a woman, I’d be saying he’s having an affair, and he is in a certain way with his money. Keeping quiet isn’t the answer. If you do, he will just assume you’re ‘grand’ and you are not.

“You have children in a creche, which tells me you are still a young woman and he (possibly) still a young man. You tell me his family are all focussed on money and we all know our upbringing has a major influence on how we think and act. The good news is these ways can be changed. He needs to understand how you feel and the detrimental effect this is having on you, your children and your relationship. If we have little or no trust in our relationship, we have nothing. At the very least you both are a team, but you are not acting like one. We need to trust each other. You do need to talk these issues out together and if you can’t do that, you need to talk to a qualified relationship counsellor. He may refuse to attend with you, and if he does, attend on your own. But do tell him you are attending and why. He needs to know that you and your marriage are at breaking point. To say you are on the point of going to St. Vincent De Paul for food is very sad.

“Finally I paraphrase a quote from the Bible: ‘What does it benefit a man to win the whole world (accumulate wealth), but lose his life (his wife and children).’ He needs to think on that very quickly. Good luck and best wishes to you.”