I’m widowed the past three years, and while I miss my late husband terribly, I have become used to living on my own and enjoy the independence it has brought me.
However, in the past six months, two of my three adult children have moved back home. My daughter was in Australia and decided to come home and her brother has broken up with his partner so is back living with me as well.
We are all getting along well except for one rather big problem. They have reverted to teenagers and are treating my house like a hotel. Neither of them has lifted the hoover since they came back and the bathroom hasn’t once been cleaned by anyone other than me.
They take care of their own cooking, but that doesn’t include tidying up after themselves, so when I come back from meeting friends or attending my weekly book club, I’m invariably met with a sink full of dishes and messy worktops. I have tried to remind them that I am not their maid, but they are very slow to pull their weight when it comes to housework. I don’t want to fall out with either of them, they will always be welcome in my home, but I’m not prepared to go on much longer as their housekeeper.
How can I broach this subject without it ending in a row?
– Linda, Co Tipperary
Dear reader,
It’s very unfair of your children to assume that moving back to their family home means turning the clock back to where they expect you to do everything for them.
You say both children have lived independently before their return home earlier this year, which would suggest they both have plenty of experience of doing their own dishes and keeping the bathroom clean.
You have earned the right to be comfortable in your own home. If they can’t respect that and change their behaviour accordingly, they may have to consider the prospect of moving out
I would be more upset however at the lack of respect they are showing you, their mother, who is still grieving the loss of their father and does not need the added burden of running around after grown adults.
A family meeting is the first step in encouraging changed behaviour. You need to sit them both down and explain that while they are welcome to live in your home, there are some non-negotiable house rules that need to be followed.
You have earned the right to be comfortable in your own home. If they can’t respect that and change their behaviour accordingly, they may have to consider the prospect of moving out. My hope is that it won’t come to that, but pointing out that the current state of play cannot continue has to be communicated to them both.
In relation to the furious Co Laois wife and mother (13 September edition) whose husband refuses to share paternity leave, I too have walked in her shoes as have all career ladies. I suggest getting an au pair or paid childminder into your home. You can also use all periods of parental leave to shorten the working year if possible, as blended working is very tax efficient. Why give it to the taxman? Give it to your family and a new work pattern will give you precious time with your children.
- Best wishes from a wife, mother, budget controller, farm hand, career women and domestic engineer.
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