Dear Miriam,

I am replying to letters in your column for the last few weeks (Living in an unhappy marriage 4 June; I feel smothered and trapped in my life 11 June; I’ve ended up in an unhappy marriage 21 May; There is more to marriage than compatibility of two bank accounts 7 May; Wouldn’t it be great to be loved 14 April; Living in an unhappy marriage 4 June).

21 May: I gather from this letter that this lovely young woman has no family yet, so she needs to get all the help and support she needs now and not in 20 years’ time, when it will be more complicated – there is help there for her.

I have been married for over 20 years. I started out like the lady who wrote the letter of 21 May, but only since Christmas/January 2016 has my life started again for myself. Why? Because I finally got the support I needed to live again.

I recognised bits of myself in each of the above letters. There is an idea in Ireland that domestic abuse is about being battered black and blue, but it is not always the way. Everything those ladies are writing about is domestic abuse. There is help out there for each and every one of them that will get them to a stage in their lives where they will be happy, confident and, above all, restore their belief in themselves.

Please tell them about the Domestic Violence Advocacy Service (DVAS). It is free and very confidential. It is run entirely by women for women. No woman who attends has to make any drastic changes to their lives. Everything happens only when you want it to, so for God’s sake I plead with the Irish Farmers Journal to get the word out to all women, but especially to us farming wives who suffer in silence because we think what is happening is normal.

If you have cancer or other illnesses you get treatment and pity, but domestic violence is a silent killer that hacks away at you for years and no one cares till you attend DVAS. Only after so many weeks I feel like the woman I was before I married my know-it-all, controlling, abusive husband, and I will get to a stage with the help of DVAS to decide as to whether I want to continue in my shell of a marriage or not. DVAS will give every woman strength to live in or out of their marriage.

Yours sincerely,

North West Reader

Dear North West Reader,

Thank you so much for getting in touch with details of DVAS, which has obviously had a profound and positive impact on your life in such a short time. For other readers who might be interested, DVAS operates in Sligo, Leitrim and West Cavan and offers free and confidential services, such as a helpline, one to one meetings, outreach, court accompaniment and advocacy. Readers can find out more by visiting their website at www.domesticviolence.ie or by calling their helpline on 071 914 1515.

For readers in a similar situation who are living in different parts of the country, confidential support is also available through Women’s Aid (1800 341 900 or www.womensaid.ie), while

www.cosc.ie is an excellent source of information and support, especially in terms of accessing appropriate services in your own area.

It’s all well and good when I advise readers to seek support, but I think that your letter will actually give tremendous encouragement to any woman who might be suffering in silence, but feels like she has nowhere to turn. There is nothing quite like hearing it from somebody who has walked that road themselves.

As you say yourself, there is no pressure to make any drastic changes to your life when you contact an organisation like DVAS, but the very act of reaching out for support and discovering that you are not alone – and that there are people who care – can be so empowering.

I wish you all the very best with your journey as you rediscover how to be happy and confident and to believe in yourself. You have taken the most important step and hopefully your story will give other readers the strength to do likewise. You are truly an inspiration.