Dear Miriam,

I married into my husband’s family farm and we built right next to his parents. My husband is the only one at home, but each Christmas his brother and sister and their children come back to stay for a few days.

Despite the fact that I work part-time and have more than enough to be doing in my own house with a young family, my mother-in-law expects me to do everything in advance – cleaning, dressing beds, preparing the turkey and veg etc – as well as on the day, while the others hardly lift a finger because they are on “holidays”.

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I am happy to do my part, but am sick of being treated like a skivvy. I suggested to my husband that we have our own Christmas in our house this year, but, of course, he would not hear of it.

What can I do?

Helen, Leinster

Dear Helen,

If I were you, I’d make a list of all the chores that need to be done and then divvy them up between your in-laws. It does not have to be confrontational. Simply give your brother and sister-in-law a call or text in the next week and tell them that it would be great this year if they would take care of the starter/dessert etc as you are under pressure with work. They can hardly say no to that, can they? And if your nieces and nephews are old enough, they can also be employed on the day to set the table, stack the dishwasher, do the hoovering after dinner etc.

Regarding the preparations in advance, this is a little trickier as your mother-in-law may not be able to manage all the work by herself. Maybe your husband can get involved here? After all, he is the one who said he wouldn’t celebrate Christmas in your own house, so why can’t he play his part? An alternative plan would be for all the siblings to club together and get a cleaner in for a few hours to help with the main jobs like dressing the beds and cleaning the bathrooms etc. Act now for a restful – rather than a resentful – Christmas. I wish you the best of luck.

Readers Write

In response to a recent letter, “My husband always puts farming first”, we have received the following reader responses.

Dear Miriam,

I have just read the letter from “Frustrated wife” and she has my sympathy. But one thing puzzles me – and I hope I’m not being unkind here – before marrying, was this man different? Did he and his family watch every penny? Did he and his family appear judgemental? Did he devote all his love to the farm? I know that love of the land and farming are very deeply ingrained in a farmer’s heart, even if it is only a hobby.

My own husband, RIP, was a true gentleman. I was working full-time and my income helped to pay the many debts from building our house to paying for land – incidentally, I paid for our honeymoon. I wish I could give some advice to “Frustrated wife”, but I think she herself has the right idea when she says: “Should I look into getting help for us?” – Yes, she should.

Yours truly,

Roberta

Dear Miriam,

Having been married to a farmer for 25 years, I wish to say the following. Sex and romance to him were second to the land. Holidays were a no-no. Dancing the same. The only place he went was IFA meetings etc. I packed up and left after the disastrous spring of 2013 when we were nearly on the road, buying imported fodder and I was really worried about his welfare. But barely had the ink dried when, after returning from an IFA Teagasc meeting, he was on for expanding. Yes, more debt, more stress.

I packed and left, renting a house. I don’t know myself since. I work three days per week, dance and go out every weekend and I meet such fine men full of life and craic. Farmer men of Ireland: cop on and look at the lifestyle of your mates that you are keeping in jobs and just look at the mess you are in now.

From a relieved woman who now lives.