Dear Miriam,

I know you probably don’t want your column becoming a “loss of libido” page, but I had to write in response to the letters you have already received regarding an issue that has surprisingly not been raised by anyone.

We have been very happily married for over 25 years and I have to say that I love my husband more than ever. We are a very close couple and had a great sex life until disaster – the menopause. I was expecting the hot flushes but was completely unprepared for the total loss of interest (bordering on aversion) to sex. I mean if George Clooney offered himself to me on a plate, I wouldn’t be the slightest bit interested.

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Of course, I went to my GP for some HRT but he won’t prescribe it as I have a big family history of breast cancer and my husband doesn’t want me to do anything that would harm me in any way, so I don’t think it is a runner. I was wondering if any of your readers are aware of any natural products that have worked for them? I’ve tried the usual suspects, black cohosh etc, but I am willing to try anything.

I did think of maybe getting a small amount of HRT on the internet, but you hear such terrible stories about buying medication online. I just thought that if I could get back to the way I was, for just a short time, we could go to the sun on a romantic holiday and be the lovely way we used to be, just one more time, and then maybe I would be more prepared to let it go. And to the husbands; please lads, give us a break. Believe me, we are not being mean or doing this on purpose. We are victims, like you, of this horrible, cruel trick of nature.

Marian

Dear Marian,

Thank you very much for raising a subject that a lot of people are still reluctant to talk about. With regards to HRT, I am not a doctor but would think it wise to listen to your GP, rather than taking risks with medication over the internet. If readers would like to recommend natural solutions, I would be happy to pass these on. In the meantime, however, I have been in touch with Eithne Bacuzzi, a Dublin-based sex therapist and relationship counsellor, who possesses a great, common-sense approach when it comes to these matters.

The first thing that Eithne notes is that you seem like a very positive person. Also, you are very tuned in to your feelings and enjoy a loving relationship with your husband. Unfortunately, she can’t offer a magic potion to make things go back to the way they were, but that does not mean that your sexual life cannot move to a new – and just as fulfilling – chapter.

Eithne notes that in the initial stages of menopause, many women can feel “ambushed” by the changes they experience, including those to their sex drive. Hot flushes and low mood are hardly conducive to romance either. However, she stresses that this does not last forever and many couples go on to enjoy intimate relationships once again.

The important thing is to keep communication open and explore other ways of connecting, eg if intercourse is an issue, concentrate instead on sensual touch. As distressing as the situation might be, it’s important to still have fun together. Avoiding the problem or taking an “all or nothing” approach is not the answer.

Remember, there are also aids in terms of addressing certain issues, eg dryness, but Eithne would also recommend sex therapy. This issue is far from uncommon and a trained professional can offer you both very sound advice to get things back on track. Moreover, as aging will inevitably affect both partners, investing time now will only help strengthen your relationship for whatever challenges the future might bring.

The most important thing to realise is that the menopause is not the end of your intimate life, but the beginning of a new chapter. Take hope and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Eithne Bacuzzi offers professional sex therapy in the Dublin area. To make an appointment, call 087-902-9606.