Dear Miriam,

I was hoping you would give me your advice. I always read your page and would really appreciate your opinion. I am a lady in my 40s and am engaged to an older man. He already has a child from a previous relationship and he is always talking about having children with me.

I told him that due to my age and health problems, I did not want that and insisted on the few occasions that we were intimate that he wore protection, but then I noticed that he had pierced it with a needle each time, hoping that I would get pregnant. When I noticed it, he denied it, and when I told him I wouldn’t be annoyed, he told me he had cut it every time, hoping I would get pregnant and that we could then get married. I was very upset and feel I cannot trust him again.

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Please help,

Anon

Dear Anon,

Thank you for your letter. In my opinion, there has been an unacceptable breach of trust in your relationship, and you should seriously question whether you want a future with somebody who would so deliberately and deviously attempt to get you pregnant when you have been very clear from the start that you do not want children. Regardless of how he might try to justify it, his behaviour is shocking, selfish and so wrong that it actually beggars belief.

There is very little detail in your letter about the relationship itself, but I would have to say that if he thought that it was okay to blatantly ignore your wishes – as well as your concerns about your health and age –what sort of life will you really have together if you do get married?

Even leaving the question of children aside, what will happen if you don’t agree about another issue – eg taking out a big loan for the farm, will you just be ignored or over-ruled again? Could you live with that lack of respect? I suspect not.

Obviously, this is just my opinion and I would recommend either relationship counselling if you want to explore these issues further with your partner, or individual counselling, as you are naturally very upset and talking in confidence with a professional should help you figure out how you feel and what you want in the future.

A local family or women’s resource centre should point you in the right direction or you can find an accredited counsellor in your area through the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy on www.iacp.ie

At the end of the day, however, I find it hard to see how there can be any way of recovering the trust you obviously thought you had with this man after this revelation. And what good is a relationship if you don’t feel safe, valued, respected and loved? In my opinion, you deserve so much more.

A Reader Writes

In reply to your letter on 25 July, I totally agree that “love” is only a word. I am married to a farmer whom I consider to be ignorant, selfish, and stubborn, with no personal hygiene and no sense of feeling for anybody only himself.

He can find money to buy tractors and machinery for €80,000 to €100,000, but would not part with €15,000 for repairs for me to have more space and a more up-to-date kitchen. I am a broken wife from doing all the farming chores, have had two hip replacements and am on a waiting list to have my knees done. Does this say that I had a good life? Only misery.

My daughters are all happily married, not to farmers, and my son can’t wait to sell off the land when he sees the life I have had. I think the life that farmers’ wives, who got married in the ’70s and ’80s, had, meant that they went through hell, between in-laws and out-laws and are all suffering in silence.

Miriam, I love your page and keep up the good work.

Regular Reader