Dear Miriam,

I recently met and fell in love with the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. She is also loving, thoughtful and, obviously, highly intelligent.

She was brought up in the town. I met her on the internet. We eventually met up in her home town in Dublin. I spent some time in her company.

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She was fairly busy with work, but we made the most of our time, dancing, eating out, going to the cinema, etc, and I seemed to get on well with her parents. We used to communicate often by text and a phone call once a week when she’d have time off. Things were going fine.

The problem was when she came down to my farm in Kerry. She wasn’t too impressed. My farm had been rented out long -term for a number of years by my uncle, to keep the house going and food on the table, which meant there was no money left over for improvements. I’m only farming three years and no one has been spending money during the recession.

Anyway, my new girlfriend found fault with everything, from too much mud, ditches too old, out-houses not up to spec, lack of tools, etc. I tend to do things the (back-breaking) manual way.

When her parents came, her mother thought I was lazy as there was water coming in from a spring and there is a lack of concrete around the yard. A week later I got a text from my girlfriend saying it wouldn’t work out, that she needed someone closer to home, into books and working hard, with the same ideas. I’m beyond disappointment.

Please help,

John

Dear John,

Thank you for your letter and I am sorry that things did not work out with this girl the way you hoped. You obviously still care deeply for her and from your description of her as “loving” and “thoughtful” you had reason to believe that she felt the same.

However, if I am honest, it seems that a lot of the relationship was on her terms, ie meeting in her home town, a phone call just once a week when she had time off, etc. Obviously, her job must be very demanding, but so too is farming. Yet that did not put you off going the extra mile to see her – or nearly 200 miles for that matter if you were travelling from Kerry to Dublin.

So while everything was rosy while you were wining and dining, she seems to have had a change of heart when she visited your home. To be fair to the girl, maybe it was her first time on a farm and if so, it’s not all that strange that she might be surprised by some aspects. However, the fact that she ended the relationship a week after the visit – and by text message, to boot – shows that she was not long losing interest when things no longer suited her.

I’m not trying to be cruel or even that critical of her. Maybe she genuinely felt that she would not be suited to the farming lifestyle and thought it was better to end things now rather than lead you on. If that is so though, she could have at least let you have your say. But she didn’t, and while it hurts, I think that if that’s the way she deals with challenges, perhaps it is better that it ended now, rather than a problem emerging down the line if you got married, or there were children involved.

Of course, you must be very disappointed, but you seem to be a very genuine and caring person and I’m sure that there are many women who would love to meet somebody like you.

As well as internet dating, perhaps you could look at activities or associations in your local area where you could meet new people with shared interests? Just remember to stay true to yourself and not settle for anybody who does not accept you for who you are.

I wish you the best of luck and all the happiness you deserve in the future.